Observing Things, instead of running after them

 Hello!  My blog, GlamSimple, is just my inner voice echoed out into the world through the glamorous yet simple being that comes from inside of me.  

It is January 2021, and the first week of the year has been eventful on the world stage because this month we are ushering in a change in the White House.  I hope things calm down soon...I am going to predict it will by the end of January...just not sure how much damage will occur between now and then.  Those of us who need to remain at peace in our inner world because "that is the way", are holding it down here. Swallow hard and focus on what we are trying to create for the world at large and those in our inner circles- including our own selves!

I have always felt that I had a purpose in life.  Since I was VERY young, and as early as I can remember, I have always been sure of it.  I don't know if this is something that everyone feels or if it is unique to me and a few others.  I hope some of my readers will weigh in on this question.

2021 brings about a reflection of 2020.  The year dragged on and yet I can still hear the echoes of the voices from January 2020- those of the spirit-leaders that I listen to and the words of caution they preached with certainty.  Then to see it evolve on the world stage...well it didn't surprise me much.  But I am not the prophet, I am only reflecting on the year, and here is what I experienced:

From January to March 2020, first quarter:  I was the Property Manager of Avery Heights in Groton CT- literally next door to Pfizer Corp, who would become famous by year's end for developing the Covid-19 vaccine that will be administered to the area residents, including me and my family.  In this role, I worked at least 40 hours per week.  Because we had just bought a house but Annika was not yet done at WWHS, I commuted the children to school each morning, leaving my house around 6:15am.  The trip to work including dropping them off took me 90 minutes.  The children commuted home by City Bus in the afternoons which took them an hour.  My drive home at night took me an hour as well.  We were ALL quite miserable with such a busy schedule.  My office in Groton was like a 2nd home to me-  My staff, like family. I enjoyed the lunches we had together and bonding with my wonderful residents.  It was a glorious year of growth for me there.

From March to May 2020:  Mid-March, the schools in CT and RI closed suddenly.  A week later, I was sent home with my desktop computer, my checkscanner, and ALL of my work items basically.  I began to manage my community in Groton CT from my Dining room in Warwick RI.  The kids were remote-schooling and Jamie was on paid leave from work.  We assumed this would continue on for a few weeks, but those few weeks turned into a few months.  We spent the Spring planting, working outdoors on our yard/land.  Jamie accomplished a LOT of things that we did not dream would be done so quickly.  Money was stable.  I continued to feel squeezed breathless by my responsibilities for my community, attempting to help the children with school, trying to help them with the mental health concerns that arose when High School Graduation was ruined, Senior year (for Annika) was ruined, College for Annika was ruined.  Although not my direct concerns, they weighed on me heavily.  My family was struggling....a lot.

May to September 2020:  I made a change in early May, and relinquished my responsibilities over the Groton CT community.  I hated having the problems of that community in my Dining Room day after day and night after night while trying to slow the simmer of the pot of stress that my family was coping with.  I decided a position with less responsibility would be best.  Also if it were closer to home, I would be happier.  Paying taxes to work in another state and commuting 2 hours a day was starting to make less sense given the state of things during the pandemic.  It was a period for me to reflect on what was not working and make corrections.  I took a job and spent the summer adapting to my new surroundings.

October to December 2020:  The period of the most growth for me and for my family was the period where I accepted help, dug in my heals and decided that it was time to live my ideals...not just preach them.  After battling my pride about potentially losing my job, I made the decision to take a paid leave of absence which I was entitled to by law due to Covid.  My ten weeks of paid leave was mid-October to last week of December.  This allowed me to spend the holidays and first/second quarter of the school year supporting the children and my husband FROM home, no other "work" to focus on.  It reduced my stress tremendously.  During this period, my daughter left college, having decided that she could not learn well in a remote schooling environment.  I provided transportation to and from her work for her (along with my husband who kindly took the early morning drives).  I became proctor for my son's days of remote-schooling which run from 8:00am to approximately 1:00pm Monday through Friday.  As the time for my "return to work" approached, Covid-19 was rampant, schools were making no decisions to go back in person and my son had just lost 3-weeks in quarantine at his father's house, making schooling for those 3 weeks impossibly difficult.  I refused to go back to the job I had and it's subsequent stressors given the state of things.  I resigned as of the end of 2020.  

In January 2021, as the year started, I learned that the state was able to provide unemployment money for me while I continued to stay home with the family and support them from here.  I see this as a gift horse, as they say...and I feel that I will continue to be eligible for this financial support and I do not feel guilty for it.  I sacrificed a lot for my family in the beginning of the year, and also all throughout 2019 as I struggled in my work environment then- the stress of it even putting me into the hospital for 3 weeks.  I do not feel guilty, no shame whatsoever.  I have been offered the chance to catch my breath...re-direct my intentions, recreate myself if I wish!  

My family- though they may not say it directly most of the time, benefit from my availability.  A friend of mine shared a Facebook post that really inspired my thinking on this.  It was basically a reminder that there was a time in our not that distant history in America, where one parent stayed at home to manage the family and the other worked and brought in money.  Also, the money brought in by one working member of the family (at this point in history of course), was enough money to support a middle class lifestyle.  What I take away from that is that we in the middle class are KILLING OURSELVES to maintain a lifestyle that keeps up with the other middle class families that we know.  The cost of this is our home lives, our families and our peace of mind.

I do strongly support people dividing the duties:  one work while the other manage the home, or any version of this.  I also strongly support both working.  There are many variations and I do not judge any of them.  

As for me, the experiences I have been having have been driving me toward the desire to be in business for myself, so that I can have the flexibility I need and feel a sense of purpose in what I am doing.  Also, I have the desire to work OUT in the community...where even if it were only a part-time position, I am still engaged in professional growth somehow.  

With this in mind, I have been looking for part-time work that will allow me to be available to drive the kids where they need to go or to help with school or just to be there while they are struggling.  I want to be there to clean and cook and support their formation of their thinking about things as they arise.  I want to be the influence that they are engaging with.  I think I am the one that is most qualified to do this for them...more so then anyone else in their world at this time.  Remaining on unemployment while the pandemic rages on seems to be the key to accomplishing that,  as it both provides for my family and also allows me time to gain momentum toward whatever it is that I truly want to create (rather than bogging me down in things I do not wish to be doing).  

Today I have an interview with a company that is fairly new in the RI Property Management scene.  I actually previously managed one of their properties when it was owned by another company...and now it is under new management, expanding to 2 other locations and growing an entire staff.  I am interviewing for a part-time position, who's hours- UP UNTIL ABOUT 3 DAYS AGO, were perfect perfect perfect for me...and now...I am not even a little excited about it because of the changes in Alex's school schedule that are set to start tomorrow.

I don't think that ANYONE understands how I am feeling...not anyone honestly.  People can try, but they do not actually get it.  I am very certain that all people experience this feeling of, "I am alone in this".  And from what I gather, that's ok!

This was my year in recap- where I go from here remains to be seen and written.  More on this to come.

~Namaste

Lilac

PARADIGM SHIFT 2021

Welcome the new year!      

2021    

Odd Number but doesn't have to be an odd time.  

Then again, it could be and that could be wonderful!

I was a weird kid.  No other way to see it.  I always dressed in the most outrageous clothes as a teen, and in college I was all into church and abstaining from sex, as a young adult I was a rebel.  As a Mom I wasn't in line to be PTO President (I volunteered for like one event a year).  As a Property Manager, I have never fit in with the Corporate environment.  I am an "outskirter" for sure.

I am still amazed that I married someone, bought a house, anything normal really.  My outside life does not even SLIGHTLY resemble my inside world.  My inner world is full of ideas, strange colorful twists and turns decorate the corners of the rooms of my mind...many ways to do common things.  Yet I work in a mundane reality of housework, parenting and marriage with a work life of middle management and supervising other's work.

Some normalcy is grounding.

But 2021 is a good interval to break out of the molds that form around a person who remains still for too long.

It's just not "me" to stay put.  

I have the soul of a gypsy, meant to wander and explore.

Every year in January I start to dream of where I will go...This year I dream of visiting Germany- Bavaria.  In reality, there may not be much travel this year because of Covid-19.  But it's the mental preparation that stimulates me.  

This year I dream of making my Business a reality.  I have ideas to express though this business and through the work I will do at this business venture.  I cannot share more because I just cannot...the universe is hearing my wishes and making it so and so it will be...eventually.

I wish I could say more.  But I will leave it here.

Namaste

Lilac

 

All the World is a Stage and we- we, are merely players

 What role will I play when life has ended and my story remains as my legacy?  One of my favorite things to read is biographies.  I very much enjoy reading about people.  When I was in High School, I was either in the Band room or in the Library.  I didn't do sports in High School although I was very physically active, growing up in the country and on a farm.  I rode my bike, danced, hunted, fished...but in school the social stigma of being in a club or group stressed me out- still does.  Band was something I fell into (or was pushed by my father).  But I digress.  I enjoy Bio's of all types of people from the simplest person to the most interesting man alive!

In high school I would read Bio's of plain people like immigrants who told stories of how it was coming to America and learning how to be an American.  Expanding from there once I was in college, I was fascinated to learn that other cultures held so much diverse and interesting contrast to us here in the states. Some of the things I learned broke my heart.  When we look throughout history, there is a lot of that.  It is hard to reconcile the beauty of humanity with it's cruelty.  The duality can boggle one's mind.

Determining what will be our own legacy after we are gone, is each person's own duty in life.  Some people (like me), give a lot of thought to these things.  Others may not. Every decision I make in life, I am deeply cognizant of the end game and of how it adds to or detracts from my legacy.  I did not come from wealth.  When I say legacy, I do not mean wealth.  It could mean wealth...for some of us.  Some of us however, need to be more creative when building the legacy of what we will achieve and then leave behind.

I have always seen myself as a "Natural Helper".  This term was used on me in High School in the 10th grade and I have felt it deeply ever since.  I was at Ponagansett High School and the school was just introducing counselors and Psychologists.  I guess schools didn't have those prior to the 1990's?  Either way, a survey was done of the whole school, asking the students to name a person that they could always go to for understanding, emotional support or kindness.  These were all of the students from grades 9-12 being asked to nominate one person who fit that description.  Ten names were selected.  My name was one of them.

The new school staff brought our little group together to discuss the importance of being what our classmates deemed "natural helpers", people who just assume the role of being more concerned for their fellow student than the average student was.  I was quite proud although stunned.  I was more popular than I ever knew apparently.  I hid in the library at lunch instead of eating lunch.  I spent all of my free time in the band room.  I was not on student counsel, did not have a large group of friends.  In fact, I had only 3 or 4 real friends that I knew of.  How was I chosen from 350 students as one of ten people that others saw as a confidant in their times of trouble...and as a High School Sophomore???

I will not be able to shed more light on it because I simply do not know.  I will never know. But in the course of my life from age 16 to age 46, I have continued to be that.  To this day, people seek me out for support, friendship, a kind word.  I am a magnet for those in need of such things.  I must acknowledge it.  I must recognize it because if I do not...if I cannot honestly and openly admit, that others are somehow drawn to me for healing, I cannot effectively write my legacy!

Helper

Healer

Support person

Mother

Friend

These are some of the key words in my legacy.  

My shoulders feel heavy as a pause and look at this list.  This is not the list I want to write.  

Here is the legacy I wanted:

Superstar

Singer

Beautiful

Famous

Writer

Brilliant Mind

Fans all over the world

As you can see, my ego has different ideas of what a Legacy should amount to.  So how do I know if I am "Living it right?" in the words of John Mayer?  No one really gives you a rule book for how to measure this progress.  You have to go with your gut or something else that is measurable.  This I believe, begins with acceptance of your own gifts and talents, and then the decision to use them.  I have some of the gifts in the 2nd list...and in the past I have used them.  But the first list is not just stuff I can do...it represents what I am on a deep level. I am a being of Light and Love.  Like my name sake implies...a messenger (of God/dess).  

You cannot fulfill your destiny if you refuse to accept what you came here to do.  This is what I have learned in 46 years of life.

In the end (of our life), it may not be what we did for a career that is the legacy.  I have been reading a lot of Obituaries lately, which is sad because the reason is due to deaths from Covid-19.  More and more I am hearing about how a person is not defined by what they did for a profession, but being described by the kind of person they were to other humans while they were alive.  I hear such phrases as "his family meant everything to him" and "he was always helping"... and these types of words give real quality descriptions to an otherwise flat person. People are not 2 dimensional...they are multifaceted and I am glad that human beings are starting to realize that the spiritual value of a person matters.  Their kindness matters.  Their impact on people, no matter who small, matters.

Buddhists do not walk on grass.  They do not walk on the grass because they feel that the ants lives matter.

Vegans eat no animal products because Animal's lives matter.

Black Lives Matter

all of the groups who would be victimized...their lives matter.

This year I really want to cement in some changes that have been brewing within me for a while...but when I say cement, I mean bring into the tangible form.  I often think of these things, especially when January 1st rolls around and everyone starts to talk about New Year's Resolutions.  It is mostly the fear of failing that stops me.  I am brave for others but not always for myself.

2020 however, turned my world on it's head and I have a new (upside down??) perspective.  Maybe up is down and down is up and in is out...and so on.  Maybe my ideas that once seemed absurd are actually quite practical.  Maybe instead of feeling behind in the game, I am at the front of the pack and leading the call?  Maybe my ideas need to be heard instead of quietly forgotten?

I stumbled across a French movie yesterday about a man who in 1859, risked his reputation as a Professor to establish the validity of Spiritism.  His name was Allan Kardec.  Even I had never heard of him until yesterday and those of you who know me, know that I am fairly well-read on these topics.  Kardec overcame his fears of being ousted from Society, and ruining his standing as a professor, when he and his wife began to research the Psychic Phenomena that were happening in their community and use his scholarly reputation to establish scientific proof of it's existence.  Amazing.  Think about that...in the dark ages of thinking and JUST a decade and a half before the real emergence of "New Thinkers" in the world, Kardec was "tapped" by spirit to bring the very foreign idea of universal intelligence, to people of France (under Bonaparte's reign too!!)

The spirits that compelled him told him that this would take all he had- his reputation, his wealth and his health.  If he refused to do it, another would rise in time and do it...he did not HAVE TO be the one.  He chose to do it anyway.

Brilliant Movie, found it on Netflix.  It's called "Kardec" if you want to watch it.

It is people like Kardec and his wife, that I long to emulate.   I don't relish it but I admire the passion it takes to be different.  The older I get, the more different I become.  I feel very dissimilar to most people that I meet and yet I feel deep compassion for their pain and suffering.  I want to help...want to make it easier somehow.  I want them to understand what I understand about spirit, about the afterlife.  Many people don't know what to think...and yet I am overwhelmed with confidence.  I want to share that.

I hope that I will establish what I plan to create this year.  I feel inspired by the change of Leadership coming to the White House soon and I feel that with the Covid-19 innoculations beginning, change is inevitably upon us...change for the better.

~Namaste

Lilac

Mom's Sauce

 I don't call it Gravy.

To me, Gravy is frivolity.  As in, "it's all just gravy"...

My Mom's sauce on the other hand, is legendary. It's why countless men have fallen in love with her (also her amazing looks have helped).  But when Mom made sauce, it was one of those truly selfless acts that inspired you to follow her into battle.

For most of my adult life, I have been afraid to try and be like her.  For years I absolutely REFUSED to make pancakes.  So many missed opportunities!  All that "emotional baggage" I was carrying.  My mother, you see, was an amazing cook.  Well- I assume she still is, but we don't eat at her house- we eat at my house!

Mom made the fluffiest softest pancakes in the world, so I never dared to try and be like her.  This was a point of contention in my first marriage!  He wanted me to make pancakes and I adamantly refused.  I NEVER made her sauce but once while he and I were together.

But now that I have my own house, a desire to establish traditions...especially those centered around food, has become a passion of mine.  I guess it's the homesteading thing?  I mean, if you are wanting to return to the old ways, more from the land and less from the store, you would resort to those ways of people from generations past.

I enjoy reguiling my family with stories of how my Papa, an old Italian with a love of wine, would dig a hole and bake a big pot of beans in it in the backyard.  He would shoot a rabbit, prepare it in the sauce or stew...sometimes instead of a rabbit it might be a pheasant.  This was how I was raised.  I learned to hunt and shoot at around age 5. I was always at the fishing hole.  Most of what we ate was fish or rabbit or chicken from the nearby farm.  It was not until my later teen years that mom even shopped from the regular grocery store- back then it was Almacs.  They had Green Stamps!

We got our eggs from the farm down the lane, and we grew our own vegetables, herbs and fruit.  That was the way it was done.

At school I would eat school food...I enjoyed the diversity.  Mom also baked a LOT.  She enjoys her sweets.  My mother, unlike me, is thin as a rail...always has been.  However, she eats like a lumberjack!  It's surprisingly cute.  She loves gamey meats like venison and hearty fresh water fish like Trout.  I literally hate ALL OF THAT.  I will not eat Venison, I despise most fish for dinner unless it is baked scrod or fried up with a thick batter (Fish and Chips).

Mom's sweets were always a treat though.  On our birthdays, we would get a double chocolate cake from scratch and beautifully frosted.  Simple.  No frills.  No flowery decorations- just a delicious cake, lovingly made.  Mom also made cream puffs at Easter.  I hated those but everyone else really loved them.  It's funny how I despised so much of the food...yet have such fond memories of it nonetheless.  I made myself puke once when I was around 14 years old because I hated what mom had made for supper and was still hungry after the meal was done.  My sisters and I were responsible for the evening dishes you see...and mom had made stuffed mushrooms (delicious), the only part of the meal I had enjoyed.  The greasy remaining bits of stuffing sat on the cookie sheet and I kept nibbling at it while I cleaned up...this turned my stomach and I puked for hours that night.  Now I cannot eat stuffed mushrooms anymore and actually enjoy them.  The mushy texture of mushrooms still to this day turns me off.

Mom made fruited desserts in the summer with the berries we harvested and the fresh fruit pies from the apples and pears and plums we grew.  Those were amazing.  The extra was converted into jams, jellies and preserves...another project I utterly despised as a kid but wished I had more patience for now. You see, back then I was more interested in sitting in the trees and writing or dreaming up stories.  I would read or write for hours.  I also was very interested in music, popular music on the radio but also playing various musical instruments.  Eventually, musical instruments would envelope my full attention from ages 11 to around 25 years old...after which I became a mother myself and lost much interest in those solitary activities.

On Christmas, Mom and Dad would host HUGE parties.  In fact, Christmas, Memorial Day, Labor Day and Halloween were HUGE affairs for many many years.  My parents had a large "2nd" living room in one of our homes.  Mom would paint every wall for each seasonal theme.  On Christmas, all four walls would be a mural of trees and snowmen.  On Halloween, spooky trees and werewolves with witches.  For the Memorial Days and Labor Days, it was always an outdoor event with a live Pig that we would raise for several months and then it would become the central character for the Pig Roast.  Many of you have thought that my love of Soy Bacon is weird...this is where it comes from.

When I became an adult, I formed poor eating habits as a result of my dislike of the childhood food memories.  I snacked excessively on processed food...a sort of rebellion I suppose.

Later, in my thirties, I went to vegetarianism and raw dieting.  That lasted about 6 years, with a break of about a year while I was pregnant with Lex.  That boy sent me into a hamburger eating spiral around my 2nd trimester.  It took a while to break that habit! By the time I met Jamie, and we were making a go of it...I knew I did not want to be preparing two sets of meals for the rest of my life, so I reverted back to eating meat.

Making Mom's Sauce is a tradition now.  It should be done more often than it is...but I don't always have the time to commit to it.  It was more practical to spend a day cooking and baking back when we lived way out in the country and would be snowed-in for days.  But life just isn't that way anymore.  So I make her sauce when I can...and we all love it.  

The experience of making Mom's sauce, starts early in the day.  Personally...I like to use the opportunity to clean out my refrigerator while pulling every possible usable ingredient from within it.  I assemble all the items along with my freshly wiped down cooking surface and clean wooden cutting board.  Today I broke in my new Dutch Oven pot that I love...today it was a Sauce Pot.  

After preparing the sauce, I let Alex add the sugar.  His reward is a platter of cheese, pepperoni and honey wheat bread for a treat. Thanks Mom for inspiring this wonderful tradition!

I make her proud.  That is MY legacy.

~Namaste

Lilac

photos of today's cooking:

amc

1-6-21

End of 2020 Update

 It seems a good integer to provide an update of 2020 as we approach January 2021.  This past year started off as a normal(ish) year- the first quarter anyway.  But as that first quarter drew to a close, the United States was affected by Covid-19.  I remember it being around my husband's birthday mid-March that the kids were sent home from school and our jobs closed.  I was sent home to perform my Property Manager's duties from home and in another state.  My husband's lab was closed until mid-summer.  By May, I moved to a new company in Rhode Island and worked on the site.  This was working out great until late August when it became apparent that my 12-year old son's school was not opening in-person but rather would have the kids schooling remotely from home.  This was a level of autonomy for which my son was not capable of achieving, and put me in a pickle with my new workplace.

Meanwhile, my daughter had no senior year of high school, a remote "graduation ceremony" and then was about to start college online.  She despised every minute of it and I empathize.  What a year for her.  By December, she had decided to postpone freshman year for a time when she can go to the school in person. She continued to work at her job for approximately 28 hours a week and is saving her money for a better time to use it.

I was in the position where I needed to make a change with my son's education on the line.  I found out from my employer that I was eligible for a government program called FFRA (Families First Relief Act).  I decided I would take advantage of the opportunity and so took a leave of absence from work to stay home with Alex and lead his schooling.  I received an incredible amount of support in doing this from all parties involved.  The school, my son, the two dads, the therapist, my family and friends- all did what they could do be a part of improving the situation, even if only as cheerleaders and emotional support.  Alex did prosper with assistance.  

Unfortunately, as Thanksgiving approached here in Rhode Island, the Covid-19 numbers began to spike.  More and more cases of Covid-positives were published.  More of our friends fell sick.  Some died.  It was awful.  In addition to Covid-19, other illnesses common to people were prevalent, for example our aunt had a heart attack on Thanksgiving day.  So many people dealing with so much.  My children's dad tested positive for Covid-19 although he was asymptomatic.  This resulted in my son and his father being in quarantined for three weeks which was the most awful experience for me.  We hosted Aunt Jean's granddaughter during that time for one week, allowing her to have a visit with her grandmother who's health has been rocky these past few months.  On 12/23/2020 my son was finally able to return home.  Christmas felt like a blur...as if all of the pressures and stresses of the past few months just landed on me.  I have been feeling ill for about a week now and not sure what the source.

So where does this leave us all?

Jamie seems happy at his work.  He has friends and hobbies and a pretty decent life.  He has a large garage, auto projects and pretty much anything he wants.  Annika works a part time job and has a nice space to enjoy her creative hobbies with.  She doesn't have a social life because of the shutdown of group activities and school, but she manages to keep herself busy.  Alex enjoys his downtime to play video games online with friends and chat with them while exploring their Minecraft worlds and such.  I have been spending more time in my Home Studio, attempting to refine the space.  It always feels that the needs of may family keep me from getting to it. Also, my FFRA benefits ended at Christmas.  My job wanted me to come back on 12/28/2020 but not only does my son continue to need me, the three weeks of Covd Quarantine have set him back SO FAR, that upon his arrival home, school was coming to a close and would pick up again while I would be back in my high stress job.  So it was a no-go.

I applied for unemployment benefits and began applying to new jobs...hopeful that I will find one where I can have flexibility or work second shift.  Anything that offers me some wiggle room would help.  The holidays have been a blur.  So I do apply to Property Manager opportunities as well as other office jobs.  I also apply for teaching and childcare and elder-care as well as Part-time retail jobs.  Honestly, ideally...I should stay home and collect until school is back to normal.  At least we can pay our mortgage!  I am sure that some people out there are struggling too much to do that.

All in all, it is hard to follow the Covid standards but we do what we can.  With 2021 on the horizon, the best thing we can hope for is that by this time next year we will be back to roaming the malls and going to concerts in crowded stadiums, hosting parties and visiting family without masks.  But for now...it's still time to keep those plans on hold until a future time when it is safer and encouraged by the CDC.  In other news- a new president comes on in two weeks and that is a regime change.  I am eager to see what that brings.  Mid-January will see Annika back to work, Alex back to school and Jamie back to his work following their annual closures.  As for me...the future is yet to be written.

~Namaste

Lilac

Re-emergence of purpose

Having Purpose is one thing.  Finding Purpose is another.  But becoming broken and then rebuilding yourself all over again, sometimes more than one time.  That is powerful.

Why does this make me think of Dr Strange and Dormamu? 

At some point, your soul just tells you what you need to do and whether it benefits your current existence or threatens it, you just know what you must do.

Sometimes you open a doorway that you did not know what it would lead to.  Sometimes the doorway is open so that you can find your way forward through the open door.  Other times, it is to allow another to come in to your side of the doorway.  Which one applies to you as you re-emerge from the broken?

Re-emergence of purpose means that you have had a purposeful existence before and will again...but that right now you have gone into what I like to call "Hermit-mode".  The hermit pauses his life and goes on a journey (outwardly or inwardly) to examine his choices and where life has landed him. The hermit has experienced some things in life- some pain and suffering and also some heartbreak.  The hermit has not quit.  But he must re-invent himself.  Today I learn from the hermit on his journey.

For those who know me, you may understand that the Hermit is a Tarot Card from the major Arcana of the Tarot deck.  His meaning resembles that which I have mentioned above.  So when I say that I am learning from the Hermit, I am saying that this is the phase of life that I feel I am in and for the reasons listed above.  All stages of life are represented in the Tarot and all are temporary. The importance of the Tarot in our lives will only match one's instinct that more information or guidance are needed. The Tarot are one method for communing with our Spirit's Guides in this lifetime.  Whether we accept it or not, we are being watched over and guided and there is a destiny path.

I have recently had the opportunity to feel the power of the Tarot through the eyes of a fresh newcomer who has no experience with it.  The opportunity to see the understanding come through with each moment of understanding, each thoughtful question...has been like my own rebirth.  I am convinced (where once I felt lost), that I am useful and what I have to offer has value. I just could not see it because those around me on a regular basis are not a clear reflection of my being.  That is ok!  There is nothing to be critical of in that statement...just the knowledge that I am somewhat alone on this journey...but never actually alone.  I realized others need to hear these messages.  I am determined more than ever to share them.

Thank you to this Angel, this light-worker who helped me to re-emerge in my faith.

I am so thankful.  Bless Goddess, and all the beings of light.

~Namaste

Lilac

NOVEMBER 2020- Mercury Direct

 Good morning Wisdom Lovers!!!

 Mercury is out of Retrograde and has gone Direct!

 Shortly after the retrograde, we finally saw some election results.  It looks like a change of "House Colors"- that is a little Harry Potter reference.  But seriously, it looks like Joe Biden is unseating the administration of Donald Trump.  Trump is making a scene and it is ugly.  I do hate politics, but that is the report as I see it.

So November 2020 has been a MONTH to remember so far.  Our Covid 19 numbers are beginning a FAST incline her in RI.  It is TROUBLING to say the least.  Schools should NOT have gone back in person- just my opinion.  

Our Governor ( Gina Raimondo) criticized the Warwick Schools for not coming up with a plan in September to return to the school buildings.  However, I feel that Warwick got it right.  They decided to put a vote to whether we can afford to update the air quality systems before we send people to these antiquated learning environments during a Worldwide Health Pandemic that primarily affects the lungs.  So now that it is September and hindsight is 20/20 on this issue, we are seeing other school departments throughout the state (Cranston as of today), going fully remote- changing the system halfway through the 1st semester.  That is a nightmare for these teachers and the students and families too.

As for me and my house, we are sound as can be.  I am on a leave of absence from my job.  My husband is back to working his 1.5 jobs carefully and with regular COVID-19 testing (weekly by Brown University. Annika was attending RIC remotely and is still working 4 days a week at the bakery near our house.  Staying within our smaller community has been one way we are doing our part to manage our risk of contracting COVID.  Alex is home daily with schooling and sees his father every other weekend.  His father, due to his work with the elderly, is also being cautious.  They stay home most of the time.

This week, additionally to our usual things, Annika had all 4 of her Wisdom Teeth removed in a small outpatient surgery.  Her recovery (3 days in now) has been slow owing to her partially impacted lower teeth and her TMJ.  Today I am working by lamplight in the kitchen, as we have her sleeping in the Recliner in the living room.  

Alex has moved his online schooling for today and tomorrow into his bedroom to give her more time to rest.  I am proud of Annika for living by her convictions and refusing narcotics for pain.  She refused to fill the Vicadin script, and is using OTC pain killers instead.  She has had a lot of difficulty but feels good about her decision.  She has concerns about the Opioide crisis affecting millions of Americans.  It has hit so close to home for her that she prefers to stay very far from it.

Mercury going out of Retrograde, following the 2nd Full (New) moon in October 2020 which occurred (on HALLOWEEN!), has marked the change in tides for me.  In addition to the global energy shift that it was, which I can feel but it is hard to explain it, I am also embarking on a new journey of my own.  Although it would be hard to define this journey, I can tell you about how my perception of life has shifted while the global perspective has shifted.

For me personally, I am on my 4th week of being on Leave from my job as an Assistant Property Manager- a position I have only held for about 4 months prior to Leave. The time that this change has allowed me, I have used mainly to write about the journey my son and I have been on.  This time has also allowed alot of wounds and traumas to come to the surface of my consciousness.  There have been dreams, conversations with psychics, things I have read, intuitive knowings arising from the quietness of meditation, of which I have had much more time in.  I guess that what I am describing is just revelations about myself that I have been able to recognize now that I am not so "Busy" all of the time.

Yesterday, Alex and I made Vision Boards.  Mine is not glued down yet because I like to take days and days to review mine before I commit to it.  For me, a Vision Board is a contract that I make with the universe.  Once those ideas/pictures/words are glued down, I KNOW with certainty that I have spoken (This is the way).  So I like my message to be crystal clear.  But yesterday, while browsing magazines at Barnes and Nobles, and choosing which ones to buy, and then browsing at home and cutting and shaping and finding the right words....all of these hours spent, I had many realizations.  These would be the culminations of previous ruminations and not "all at once" realizations.  I want to CREATE something tangible with my own hands.  I have never had that desire before.

I recognize this feeling of readiness as a sign from the universe that I CAN and SHOULD do it...do all of it.  

Life is fleeting after all!  

I believe that we come back eventually in a new form, but in this lifetime that we are currently experiencing, why not try the things that scare us or reach for the seemingly unattainable goal?  On a deep level, I am just a dude sipping tea and watching the earthlings scramble about fretting over everything while I just know that all is well and good in the universe and there is nothing to fear.  That is who I am at my most deepest and centralized person.  I am that level of calm.  But all of life's adaptations that I have dressed myself in, all the masks...all of the layers of responsibilities that I have adorned myself with...these cause the fears and anxieties to be the most prominent and on the surface.  Fortunately, they are all just surface debris, which I can discard when ready.  The question becomes, when will I be ready?  The answer is "now".  Can someone please shut off my brain so I can live with this answer?

Herein lies the real struggle: 

How to live your ideals in a world that shuts down your ideals and dreams.

If you are asking that question as I am asking it, at least you can know that you are not the only one asking!  Asking for help from your Spiritual Guides/Angels is a good first start.  Looking into your own heart for answers to what you want on a deep level is another.  But you must journey to depths that will hurt you in order to get your answer.  I will use another Harry Potter reference to illustrate:

When Harry, in Goblet of Fire, needs to rescue his friends from the mermaids in the lake, he must fearlessly travel to the depths of the lake.  He does not know what he will find there along with those he loves.  There can be many dangers, and since we breathe air, the watery depths can be terrifying to navigate.  But what choice does he have?  He MUST take the journey...for the lives of those he loves depends upon it.

We must risk our lives to travel to our own depths and discover what is there.  For some of us, I believe most of us- this will mean finding our inner child and asking him/her what it is she/he wants most.  Ask that child what they knew once...what they hid away from their conscious knowing, but what they knew as a child.  What was it?  Whatever that thing is could very well be the answer.  But there will be many barriers in the shape of painful memories, the urge to deny your inner child in order to satisfy the desires of the "real world", the pressures of society to "fit in".  What will you choose?

I have been taking this dive into my own watery depths.  What I am finding is that I hold a lot of judgement upon myself- judgement for not being better, doing better, accomplishing more.  I am very intelligent, why did I not push myself for higher educational goals?  Why did I get so wrapped up in other people's issues and let it hold me back for years and years?  Why did I not acknowledge and face the pain in my childhood sooner so I could set myself free of it?  So...MANY..."Why's".  So few answers.  Why did I adamantly refuse to grieve, recover, move forward...  Why did I stay stuck?  Why was I addicted to chaos, drama, control and being controlled?  I see so much negativity in my past.  I WANT TO CUT LOOSE FROM IT.  

What I have learned, as I have been making this journey of self-realization since around 2008/2009 to now, is that I want to help others get there too.  I want to teach people what I know, and see them get results too.  I HAVE gotten results aplenty.  I just cannot see it because I keep "Thinking" about what I feel I have NOT done correctly.  I keep staring deeply into the lint inside the cavity of my belly button... and that is all I see!  I see only the tiny piece that is less than perfect instead of the entire cosmos of beauty and success that my life ACTUALLY is.  Shame on me for being so self-deprecating.  What a waste of the LIGHT that is there.  Time to stop "wasting light" as it were.  Time to get started on a brighter future.

It is hard to break patterns and to escape stale mindsets.  But since I now can see that I have in the past done this, repeatedly and successfully, I can teach others how to do it.  This is my purpose.  To live a life that I am proud of, that keeps asking me to go deeper and learn more and be better- and to teach others to do this also.  That seemed easy.

Now there is work to do.  Who's coming with me?

~Namaste

Lilac