Trauma

I need to free myself from the trauma I am (have been) carrying for the past year or more.

I continuously have allowed boyfriends, friends and even kids and coworkers as well as churches and employers to abuse me.

I 
am
done.

I have been done

It has been a while now that I have been done, but today...now...I am done.

What is happening in the outside world right now is the Covid-19 virus threatens people's lives, causing us all to be in communities that are locked down.  

I have LOVED being locked down with my family.  I have not loved every last second of the bad moments but those were surprisingly few and far between.  But it has given me enough room to pause and reflect on the areas of my life where I have been taking a beating either silently or just submissively.  I started to notice my reactions to this past trauma when we began to have remote video calls from home to my staff at the site.  The distance between me and them...the physical distance (approximately 50 miles)...caused me to rethink alot of things.

Why am I working there?  What does it do for me?  What are the pro's vs what are the cons?  I spend a lot of time looking for a different opportunity...entertaining the idea of moving on, moving away from there.  Why?

The reason is, I work in a dismal attic.  I am an unappreciated, powerless property "manager" who more closely resembles an overpayed administrative assistant.  The pay doesn't make up for the way it eats away at me on the inside.  I had begun to commisurate with my fellow workers who are stuck in this place and unhappy...and so found friendship and common ground.  BUT...when that was taken from me because of Covid-19, I was able to work in my home.  A place with windows, pets, sunshine, fresh air and my loved ones.  I began to feel like I had value again.

Then came the issues from work.  They came to my home.  I allowed them to come in.  The annoyances from that awful community out there in Groton CT.  The Bruce Rawn voicemails.  The other residents all complaining about the smoking and the noise and the other problems they face.  I am a state away...an hour's drive from where they are.  I cannot truly help them.  All that I can hope to do is document it.

But residents are the same everywhere you go.  They are not what really hurt me.  Even at the West Warwick property I didn't mind the residents.  I saw them in their natural environment so I can accept the "us" and "them" of it.  Not that I look down at them, I just accept that we fulfill different roles in the community.  I Manage and govern.  They live in, and are expected to show respect for, that property.  There was and will continue to be an issue at that property...but I still felt my work was rewarding.

But this company I work for...they were the problem all along.

When I joined the organization in Groton CT, I was hopeful for a fresh start in a new place.  But I would cry everyday driving to Groton and back.  My depression increased, and so I needed to continue adjusting my meds.  Being in that new place was hard for me due to the changes.  There were many.  I had always worked under RI Housing in a RI community.  Suddenly I was in unfamiliar territory with CHFA.  It has now been a year and a half and I have never once spoken to or met a CHFA admin.  I have not been allowed to meet them or be a part of my MOR's.  Like I said...glorified Administrative Assistant, not a Property Manager.  My depression was slowly creeping up...day by day.  The office in that location was a mess.  I soon came to understand why.  The company I worked for had very high expectations for these office staffers.  Expectations that would keep an average worker running around like crazy to keep up.  And when those expectations and "standards" as they like to reference them were not the cause of the running...the residents of the building with their usual antics and the other staff...would be slowly compounding the added burdens.

So let's talk about the other staff.  Maintenance had there own thing going on.  I liked them all...found them all pleasant to work with.  The RSC's however....another monster altogether.  I like to see the best in people.  My maintenance guys knew how to rise to that challenge.  But this one RSC...she worked in 3 different properties down there in CT.  She pretty much RSC'd my entire regional area....so I could not escape her.  She herself is elderly.  It was often difficult to tell the difference between her and the residents I was there to serve.  The fact that she reminded me strongly of my abusive grandmother was difficult for me.  

We will come back to her.  Let's talk about my goals for a moment.  My intentions with this company had been as follows:
1.  Get hired by the company in CT location
2.  After proving myself, get transferred to RI
3.  Happily manage one of their RI properties
4.  The End

So I started down there in Groton CT.  The RSC was already starting to cause chaos within the first month.  Two months into my time there, as I worked to organize, personalize and transform the office space into what I deemed a usable space, my boss came to me to "ask too much of me".  My opportunity had arisen.  I wish I could look back at me then, and tell "me then", it was in fact too soon to make that leap.  There was too much that I had yet to know about this company and the people who ran it.  But the me that I was then, I saw my ship's had come in.  I accepted the transfer and off I went to RI, to West Warwick.

The West Warwick Property had been a new acquisition for my company and as such, was nothing whatsoever like the Groton CT property...one of the things I liked about it.  It completely lacked any structure because it was being remodeled and the property was experiencing a full conversion from Section 8 Family only to Section 8 LIHTC for families.  Everyone (or so I thought) knew that I lacked the actual hands-on experience to undergo a conversion property.  I was not asked to do it because I possessed the previous experience.  I was asked to do it because I was hard working, determined to succeed, showed and demonstrated leadership skills, I was capable of taking on a project with organization, create staff/team involvement, and also for my knowledge of the paperwork we use for both programs.  I was assured that I would have help from an outside agency (not our corporate) who would review our files and advise us of what we needed.  None of what I was "assured" was actually the case...which is sometimes the case.  
What I did experience, gave me great experience.  I can take that with me.
I managed the property for a two months and then my assistant left to have a baby.  The very same day that she returned to the office after maternity leave, my boss told me that I was not what the owners needed/wanted for this project and that I could move back to another property in Groton CT. This was my only option.  Groton CT or unemployment.  Oh...and I had to decide then.  I told my boss I would need to discuss it with my husband.  She and I had a talk that night which was the only true connection I have had in years.  She forced me to talk about the trauma.

The trauma we talked about led to the discovery that my Depression is the darkside of me.  It's there and it is real.  It goes with me everywhere I go.  It is my shadow.  When there is anger, aggression, danger, pain or suffering, the shadow grows larger.  I work better in the light.

I took the transfer...but first, I took three weeks to go into a Partial Hospitalization program at RI Hospital to help cope with grief, anxiety and anger that fed the trauma that ruled me, ruled my life, held me back.  I got a lot from this program.  It helped me immensely.  I knew when the moment was right that I should leave the program and head back to work.  It was ONE YEAR AGO...April 28, 2019.  I started my job at Groton CT that day.  I hated the choice I was making but I had my reasons then...reasons that I have no regret of. You see, the thing I learned from my partial program, was that I needed to treat myself with compassion in my choices, my lifestyle, my expectations of myself.  In every way.  During my hospitalization, through my eyes in that time, I saw what I needed to do as leaving my job and pursuing work elsewhere because of how I was treated by this company, and because of the stress of it.

I found a job I liked.  I interviewed and was hired immediately.  I wanted this job.  I am disappointed in myself for not taking this job.  I do not know what would be different right now if I had taken the job. When I think about it, I feel a sadness...not regret.  Never regret.  Just a "what if" kind of feeling.  I let it go because it is not helpful to feel that for no reason.  I do not need to dwell on it and so I choose not to.  I moved forward instead, ignoring my inner telling and did what was best for the family.  I took the job, so as not to show any interruption in my employment or income.  I did this because my family needed me to do it.  I had physical mental and emotional pain and distress from going against my gut, but I did it.

The universe recognized my sacrifice as a good one and I experienced a gift, one I had worked for...it was not free, but it is a gift.  For 5 months (May through September), my husband and I worked on our credit history to get a high enough credit score to buy a house.  We found a realtor, a lender and finally a house.  We bought the house at the end of November and moved in.  It was a celebration like no other, only matched by our wedding.  Two milestones involving my husband.  Together, we can make magical things happen.

Meanwhile, at work, things were happening in a reverse kind of polarity.  In August, I reported my RSC to Human Resources for her awful treatment of me and of the residents at my property.  After a month of documenting, meetings with her and others, the corporate office essentially decided that she and I needed to work it out amongst ourselves and that apparently we both had the "ok" to behave as we were behaving.  I saw the RSC as a threat to my natural and actual authority with the residents at my property.  Her conduct was an assault on the fiber of my knowing as a Property Manager.  She undermines what the corporate office protocols dictate and has gotten away with doing it for years and years.  Why?

Let's look back at how the corporate office treated me at the West Warwick property- Tiffany from Compliance...she was the one who rocked the boat for me.  She was the person that I "answered to" and she saw herself as the better, smarter and all knowing of the two of us.  She as a person, lacks compassion, tact and understanding.  She is not a likeable individual and yet this company keeps promoting her higher and higher and giving her more and more authority over us.  She came to my site and immediately informed the corporate office of how awful I was.  I don't even know what she told them.  I only recall one interaction with her where she was so aggressive with me, treating me like I was not just a subordinate to her but also that I owed her respect even when she berated me.

Interesting...I am glad I recalled that feeling.  Fast forward to a year later...yesterday.

I called the corporate office to speak with David in IT about an issue I have with making phone calls from home (Covid 19) to residents at my site in another state. He treated me the EXACT...SAME....WAY.
Did he say hello?
Nope.
He said, "yup, what can I do for you?"
I told him what I needed and he responded with:
"You mean to tell me that 5 months later, you are calling about this?"
No attempt to understand why I was not using the 8x8 system.
No effort at internal customer service toward another employee and coworker.
Just the approach that they are right.  We are wrong.  They know all and I disobeyed.
I quickly ended the phone call.  An hour or so later, I requested the remainder of the day off.  The morning I had had up and until that phone call had been so BAD (see yesterday's blog), that I needed to walk away.  I could not be exploding in anger and frustration around my family!  I am working FROM MY HOME.  How dare these people...I have two children with mental health issues watching and listening to me! 
Breathe.
I am breathing right now as I write.
Breathe.
Done.
I am done,
I
AM
DONE

DONE

DONE

I am done being abused by a husband, boyfriend or any man.

I am done being abused by my children.

I am done being abused by residents and customers

I am done being abused by employers and coworkers

I am done abusing myself

I
AM
DONE

DONE
DONE
DONE