The most vital people in my life are my kids and my husband. If I were gone, they would be the ones whom I believe would truly suffer in losing me. My co-workers would be saddened. My clients (residents) would be sorry to hear the sad news too. My mother would suffer...she has already lost a child. Other family members and friends would be sad.
But what would I want them to know?
What would my final thoughts be for them?
What would I wish for them to know about how I felt about them?
I have been dwelling on these thoughts recently. Last week Tracy D passed away. She has been in my life since we were born. My mother and her mother were best friends. Me, Tracy and Mary-Ann grew up playing together while our parents were together which was a lot. They are my cousins. Always were. In 2010 or so, I had a falling out with the two of them. I was shunned. It hurt A LOT. At the time, I was struggling to respect my spiritual truths and make necessary changes in my life so that I could achieve my purpose. Looking back on it, I wish I had tried harder to win them back. I was hurt and I let them walk away. I was proud and I was depressed. Hearing that Tracy had passed away...I didn't know what to feel. I am still processing it.
Last February (February 2019), during a chance reunion with an old friend from High School, I made the gruesome discovery that my Best friend from High School had died. She was my one close friend that I ever really had as a kid (besides that cousin of mine and one boyfriend). We all have a best friend that no one can ever replace. Beth was my one. I had lost touch with her when my family suddenly moved us away from my school and my community. Suddenly I was thrust into a new school and community and many things going on that were not good. This was a time before cell phones and internet. We often had no home telephone. We lost one another and never reconnected. I had begun to look for her at some point. It was around the time that I was pregnant with Annika. Somehow I had gotten it into my head that she worked at a place near me. I made some calls and inquiries but never caught up with her. Then last year, this friend pops up and out of the blue mentions Beth D. I got excited when she mentioned her and started asking and telling her about my search over the years etc, etc. The friend said that she had some sad news to tell me.
And so here I am...about to turn 46 years old this August, thinking about what I wish I could have said or done. I don't want that kind of lack of closure when my time comes.
So here goes...
To my Husband: I'm glad we did this. It was the right choice. Look at all of the amazing things we accomplished together? Our love story is one to be envied.
To my son: You ARE the person I wanted you to be. You are kind, funny and good. You will always make me proud and I will always be watching.
To my daughter: You ARE my Dream come true. You made me a mother. You put me on my path. I will always be impressed with you.
To my friends: If I have ever considered you to be a friend, then we really had something. I admired you and I put my best foot forward for you. I always wanted to give you something...not just on holidays or your birthday. I always looked for ways to make you smile and I hope you felt that genuinely.
To my family members: If I have ever considered you family, adopted, natural or adopted- you found your way into my heart in a special way that cannot be denied. You were welcomed in, accepted and loved. Please do that for others in the future because people need to be loved.
MY STUFF can go to wherever it needs to go. The kids can have it or Jamie. It can be donated. The things were fun but we cannot take them with us.
When Jeanne A died, I went to her estate sale. It felt wrong but also right...I understood where she had to go and why she had to leave. For me, it was beautiful walking through her second floor and finding crystals, gems and stones everywhere. I looked for the odd items that would have held no meaning or value for other people. Her linens. Those tablecloths and place-mats have brought me more joy and are a greater treasure to me then so many things I own. My hope is that one day if someone has to go through my belongings they too might have the same thoughts, memories and feelings. I want to evoke those stirrings in someone. anyone.
When my father died, the experience felt forced.empty. I remember his laughter, smiles and hugs. My dad had a good heart. He made a lot of bad choices. Some of those choices have hurt me very badly. Some have hurt my family. My suffering was compounded by a feeling that my connection to the family I grew up in, was gone. My father was my connection to my family. With him gone, I was lost and floating in outer space. I have worked hard to make sure that my children will never feel like that. The choices we make....impact the ones we love. It REACHES to them. They FEEL our choices. It CAN hurt them. Our choices DO matter.
I have two sister who may as well be dead to me. They cannot maintain healthy normal relationships. One is a criminal who cannot be trusted if she gets close to my family. The other only comes to me when she needs me to help her or save her. Then she disappears again. I had to break the cycle when it involved my children getting hurt.
So... sisters: zero.
Brother: deceased KIA.
I understand how it feels to be left, used or forgotten. I focus on my family now. The one that live in my home. The one that I have created and I feel that I am the matriarch, the mother.
I am grateful to have my husband as a partner. He is my best friend. He filled the gap that I had since Beth. The space I could never fill. The friend I could never find. The trust I could never give to anyone else fully...he earned it. When I needed saving, he was there. When I needed straightening out, he was there. When I need someone to dust me off and throw me back in the game...that husband of mine, he is there.
My children bring me joy. There is no more to say then that. Every day...in so many different ways...just pure joy.
The world is dealing with Coronavirus right now. It's been a month that Rhode Island and Connecticut have been shut down. Most of us are either out of work, working from home or out of school. Times are troubled. People have many differences of opinion about when and how things ought to progress in light of the virus which continues to rack up deaths locally and abroad. For my family, ADHD, anxiety and depression are some of the more difficult challenges we face. Those are minor (all things considered).
I am happy to say that right now...today..we are ok. Today was a good day.
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