I have often marveled that others struggle a LOT with this in their own lives. As for me, I am truly ok with other people's choices for themselves. What I HAVE needed to learn, however with regards to those choices made by others, was to internalize their choice and ask myself to be honest about how I really feel about those choices. Here is an example:
I accept gay people. I accept that it is their choice for their lifestyle. HOWEVER, back in the early days of my realizing that I accepted it, I was still very turned off by it. So what was my inner dialogue about gay love? If I was being honest with myself, I was not truly comfortable watching two same sex people kiss affectionately like straight people. Now to be fair, I hate PDA in the first place...so there is something to that. BUT...I was genuinely uncomfortable with the idea. What I am describing is a feeling that I held WAY WAY WAY below the surface. Because logically, in my mind, I was AWARE that people can and will be attracted to same-gender people. People WILL be gay. No doubt in my mind that this is NORMAL. But, I still had a deep-seeded emotional reaction to seeing it. Why?
I am sure there are many underlying causes to explain my experience. I am not writing this article to analyze those reasons because I honestly never figured out why I had held that feeling for so long. My best guess is it was just STUCK there. Deep roots. Family belief systems from long ago maybe? I can only tell you this...at some point it changed. I had a gay friend. Then I had some feelings I had trouble dismissing toward other women. Then I started to watch programs and movies that showed openly gay people behaving the way my mind accepted heterosexual relationships. Soon it just FELT right. Soon I began to accept their love stories the way I accepted Cinderella and her Prince Charming! Soon, it all felt normal.
Choices. Freedom to choose. Freedom to just BE who we are. No matter how anyone else feels about it. That is true freedom. Wouldn't you agree?
The next piece after acceptance comes commitment. Being willing to commit to your own views, your own choices. Commit to a way of life. Commit to friends and family and even strangers who are different from you. By doing this, you assert boundaries. You know who you are, so nothing is going to sway you. Your new boundaries tell the following story to anyone who enters your life: It is ok with me that you feel that way. I feel this way.
For me, this came in the shape of friendships with people who have different political, spiritual and lifestyle. With this kind of applied and practiced acceptance, you assert your commitment to yourself. By learning to harness your emotional reaction to anyone who thinks differently than you, you overcome the instinct to oppose others because they are not like you. If we never tried to move past ourselves, we would all just walk around being narcisists.
My most prized possession is WISDOM, born of practiced acceptance, which has been learned through many trials, through confusion, through abuse, through terror, through loss and grief, through failure! I have EARNED that bitch...that freedom...that Wisdom. I am the Matriarch of my Family. All the women who once were wiser than me, no longer are. All of the Men who once controlled me, no longer do. Wisdom is my MOST prized reward for a life lived fully. I am so proud of the woman I am today. And I enjoy helping others learn to love themselves more and more each day.
In my lifetime, I have been told that I was a failure, a fraud, misled others, lacked understanding. I have been criticized openly and humiliated. I have had others speak against me, causing friends to turn on me. I have been abandoned by family. I have been hit, beaten, tortured emotionally and mentally by people in my most intimate circle. I have had my most precious virtues held against me, threatened. I have had many painful betrayals. Some of this pain has caused me to hurt myself or to hurt other people. I have, in the past, become as evil as those who were once evil toward me. That was before I knew that I could make a new commitment anytime I wanted...and with that, be made new. I am no longer a product of how I was treated or how others want me to live. I am my own person, completely.
I did not get here alone as you may well know. I have had many teachers. The first person who came to mind when I thought about teachers, was my former Life Coach, Glenn Ambrose. His instincts regarding Self-Love were the key to my turning around my entire life. He may have been the first person who has ever made me understand what Love for myself really meant. I did not learn it right there on the spot. I got married and had another teacher...my husband. Then countless Therapists. Then a 3 week hospitalization for depression where we spoke every day about Compassion for ourselves...compassion for our pain and the journey we had been on. THAT was when the lesson really came full circle. That was actually one year ago. One year ago today I was actually in that program. Four years ago today, I was on my honeymoon in Quebec Canada. Two Years ago today, I was on the verge of a divorce. Three years ago today I was grieving the loss of my father and the dissolution of my family of origin.
People from my past were also teachers. My children's dad, my own mother and grandmother, my brother and sisters...many friends from the past. My years in college and my years in a church. Many, many teachers.
What brought me to wisdom though?
I attained wisdom once I accepted that I had finally had enough teachers.
Don't take that statement wrong...we all continue to learn. Everyday offers a fresh beginning. Every certain passage of time, the body goes through new cycles and cells change ...our minds and our desires are no different. Wisdom doesn't go anywhere unless you lose your ability to remember. However, at some point you must decide that you ARE the teacher. YOU are the expert. You KNOW what to do...in any situation. IN all situations.
That my friends, is Wisdom.
~Namaste
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