I need to free myself from the trauma I am (have been) carrying for the past year or more.
I continuously have allowed boyfriends, friends and even kids and coworkers as well as churches and employers to abuse me.
I
am
done.
I have been done
It has been a while now that I have been done, but today...now...I am done.
What is happening in the outside world right now is the Covid-19 virus threatens people's lives, causing us all to be in communities that are locked down.
I have LOVED being locked down with my family. I have not loved every last second of the bad moments but those were surprisingly few and far between. But it has given me enough room to pause and reflect on the areas of my life where I have been taking a beating either silently or just submissively. I started to notice my reactions to this past trauma when we began to have remote video calls from home to my staff at the site. The distance between me and them...the physical distance (approximately 50 miles)...caused me to rethink alot of things.
Why am I working there? What does it do for me? What are the pro's vs what are the cons? I spend a lot of time looking for a different opportunity...entertaining the idea of moving on, moving away from there. Why?
The reason is, I work in a dismal attic. I am an unappreciated, powerless property "manager" who more closely resembles an overpayed administrative assistant. The pay doesn't make up for the way it eats away at me on the inside. I had begun to commisurate with my fellow workers who are stuck in this place and unhappy...and so found friendship and common ground. BUT...when that was taken from me because of Covid-19, I was able to work in my home. A place with windows, pets, sunshine, fresh air and my loved ones. I began to feel like I had value again.
Then came the issues from work. They came to my home. I allowed them to come in. The annoyances from that awful community out there in Groton CT. The Bruce Rawn voicemails. The other residents all complaining about the smoking and the noise and the other problems they face. I am a state away...an hour's drive from where they are. I cannot truly help them. All that I can hope to do is document it.
But residents are the same everywhere you go. They are not what really hurt me. Even at the West Warwick property I didn't mind the residents. I saw them in their natural environment so I can accept the "us" and "them" of it. Not that I look down at them, I just accept that we fulfill different roles in the community. I Manage and govern. They live in, and are expected to show respect for, that property. There was and will continue to be an issue at that property...but I still felt my work was rewarding.
But this company I work for...they were the problem all along.
When I joined the organization in Groton CT, I was hopeful for a fresh start in a new place. But I would cry everyday driving to Groton and back. My depression increased, and so I needed to continue adjusting my meds. Being in that new place was hard for me due to the changes. There were many. I had always worked under RI Housing in a RI community. Suddenly I was in unfamiliar territory with CHFA. It has now been a year and a half and I have never once spoken to or met a CHFA admin. I have not been allowed to meet them or be a part of my MOR's. Like I said...glorified Administrative Assistant, not a Property Manager. My depression was slowly creeping up...day by day. The office in that location was a mess. I soon came to understand why. The company I worked for had very high expectations for these office staffers. Expectations that would keep an average worker running around like crazy to keep up. And when those expectations and "standards" as they like to reference them were not the cause of the running...the residents of the building with their usual antics and the other staff...would be slowly compounding the added burdens.
So let's talk about the other staff. Maintenance had there own thing going on. I liked them all...found them all pleasant to work with. The RSC's however....another monster altogether. I like to see the best in people. My maintenance guys knew how to rise to that challenge. But this one RSC...she worked in 3 different properties down there in CT. She pretty much RSC'd my entire regional area....so I could not escape her. She herself is elderly. It was often difficult to tell the difference between her and the residents I was there to serve. The fact that she reminded me strongly of my abusive grandmother was difficult for me.
We will come back to her. Let's talk about my goals for a moment. My intentions with this company had been as follows:
1. Get hired by the company in CT location
2. After proving myself, get transferred to RI
3. Happily manage one of their RI properties
4. The End
So I started down there in Groton CT. The RSC was already starting to cause chaos within the first month. Two months into my time there, as I worked to organize, personalize and transform the office space into what I deemed a usable space, my boss came to me to "ask too much of me". My opportunity had arisen. I wish I could look back at me then, and tell "me then", it was in fact too soon to make that leap. There was too much that I had yet to know about this company and the people who ran it. But the me that I was then, I saw my ship's had come in. I accepted the transfer and off I went to RI, to West Warwick.
The West Warwick Property had been a new acquisition for my company and as such, was nothing whatsoever like the Groton CT property...one of the things I liked about it. It completely lacked any structure because it was being remodeled and the property was experiencing a full conversion from Section 8 Family only to Section 8 LIHTC for families. Everyone (or so I thought) knew that I lacked the actual hands-on experience to undergo a conversion property. I was not asked to do it because I possessed the previous experience. I was asked to do it because I was hard working, determined to succeed, showed and demonstrated leadership skills, I was capable of taking on a project with organization, create staff/team involvement, and also for my knowledge of the paperwork we use for both programs. I was assured that I would have help from an outside agency (not our corporate) who would review our files and advise us of what we needed. None of what I was "assured" was actually the case...which is sometimes the case.
What I did experience, gave me great experience. I can take that with me.
I managed the property for a two months and then my assistant left to have a baby. The very same day that she returned to the office after maternity leave, my boss told me that I was not what the owners needed/wanted for this project and that I could move back to another property in Groton CT. This was my only option. Groton CT or unemployment. Oh...and I had to decide then. I told my boss I would need to discuss it with my husband. She and I had a talk that night which was the only true connection I have had in years. She forced me to talk about the trauma.
The trauma we talked about led to the discovery that my Depression is the darkside of me. It's there and it is real. It goes with me everywhere I go. It is my shadow. When there is anger, aggression, danger, pain or suffering, the shadow grows larger. I work better in the light.
I took the transfer...but first, I took three weeks to go into a Partial Hospitalization program at RI Hospital to help cope with grief, anxiety and anger that fed the trauma that ruled me, ruled my life, held me back. I got a lot from this program. It helped me immensely. I knew when the moment was right that I should leave the program and head back to work. It was ONE YEAR AGO...April 28, 2019. I started my job at Groton CT that day. I hated the choice I was making but I had my reasons then...reasons that I have no regret of. You see, the thing I learned from my partial program, was that I needed to treat myself with compassion in my choices, my lifestyle, my expectations of myself. In every way. During my hospitalization, through my eyes in that time, I saw what I needed to do as leaving my job and pursuing work elsewhere because of how I was treated by this company, and because of the stress of it.
I found a job I liked. I interviewed and was hired immediately. I wanted this job. I am disappointed in myself for not taking this job. I do not know what would be different right now if I had taken the job. When I think about it, I feel a sadness...not regret. Never regret. Just a "what if" kind of feeling. I let it go because it is not helpful to feel that for no reason. I do not need to dwell on it and so I choose not to. I moved forward instead, ignoring my inner telling and did what was best for the family. I took the job, so as not to show any interruption in my employment or income. I did this because my family needed me to do it. I had physical mental and emotional pain and distress from going against my gut, but I did it.
The universe recognized my sacrifice as a good one and I experienced a gift, one I had worked for...it was not free, but it is a gift. For 5 months (May through September), my husband and I worked on our credit history to get a high enough credit score to buy a house. We found a realtor, a lender and finally a house. We bought the house at the end of November and moved in. It was a celebration like no other, only matched by our wedding. Two milestones involving my husband. Together, we can make magical things happen.
Meanwhile, at work, things were happening in a reverse kind of polarity. In August, I reported my RSC to Human Resources for her awful treatment of me and of the residents at my property. After a month of documenting, meetings with her and others, the corporate office essentially decided that she and I needed to work it out amongst ourselves and that apparently we both had the "ok" to behave as we were behaving. I saw the RSC as a threat to my natural and actual authority with the residents at my property. Her conduct was an assault on the fiber of my knowing as a Property Manager. She undermines what the corporate office protocols dictate and has gotten away with doing it for years and years. Why?
Let's look back at how the corporate office treated me at the West Warwick property- Tiffany from Compliance...she was the one who rocked the boat for me. She was the person that I "answered to" and she saw herself as the better, smarter and all knowing of the two of us. She as a person, lacks compassion, tact and understanding. She is not a likeable individual and yet this company keeps promoting her higher and higher and giving her more and more authority over us. She came to my site and immediately informed the corporate office of how awful I was. I don't even know what she told them. I only recall one interaction with her where she was so aggressive with me, treating me like I was not just a subordinate to her but also that I owed her respect even when she berated me.
Interesting...I am glad I recalled that feeling. Fast forward to a year later...yesterday.
I called the corporate office to speak with David in IT about an issue I have with making phone calls from home (Covid 19) to residents at my site in another state. He treated me the EXACT...SAME....WAY.
Did he say hello?
Nope.
He said, "yup, what can I do for you?"
I told him what I needed and he responded with:
"You mean to tell me that 5 months later, you are calling about this?"
No attempt to understand why I was not using the 8x8 system.
No effort at internal customer service toward another employee and coworker.
Just the approach that they are right. We are wrong. They know all and I disobeyed.
I quickly ended the phone call. An hour or so later, I requested the remainder of the day off. The morning I had had up and until that phone call had been so BAD (see yesterday's blog), that I needed to walk away. I could not be exploding in anger and frustration around my family! I am working FROM MY HOME. How dare these people...I have two children with mental health issues watching and listening to me!
Breathe.
I am breathing right now as I write.
Breathe.
Done.
I am done,
I
AM
DONE
DONE
DONE
I am done being abused by a husband, boyfriend or any man.
I am done being abused by my children.
I am done being abused by residents and customers
I am done being abused by employers and coworkers
I am done abusing myself
I
AM
DONE
DONE
DONE
DONE
Tuesday, April 28, 2020
Monday, April 27, 2020
Today was so bad I had to walk away
Today was so bad...so bad. I had to call it quits today. Today is a Monday. I had a telephone interview on my schedule for today with a new prospective company. Our state is still in lock-down due to Covid-19 and the Coronavirus threat, so we are all still working and schooling from home. I went out to my car and took the interview there. Rewinding slightly, I had a WEIRD dream...weird. I woke up much earlier then normal, made coffee and was logged into work an hour ahead of my report time. I believe the fact that I have stated that I was searching for a new job says how I feel about my current job...but I'm about to vent it all out so here goes.
I
AM
M A D
I am so angry and pissed off. I hate my company. I hate working for them. I hate what they stand for. I hate how they act. I hate my job.
I feel like I need to talk about this and I want to be able to reflect on it someday, so my online blog is a good place to spill it.
I have had to deal with WAY too much bullshit since taking my job in this company. I was happy when my boss Susan offered me more money than I had ever made before in my industry. I always go into a job/relationship or any situation knowing exactly what I would like to get out of it. I joined SHP for the following reasons:
1. More money as a property manager
2. Be treated with respect and recognized as capable.
3. Have a good work culture (better than past workplaces).
That's just about all. I knew that SHP was taking on a property in my town, West Warwick (at the time). I had been waiting and waiting for the job to show up online but it didn't. I waited a month and then I reached out about the position that was open in Groton CT. I had decided (made up my mind) that I would take that job, WOW them, be happy and eventually be moved to the property in RI. As all well-laid plans go, the following happened:
1. I took the job in Groton making more money
2. I was completely blindsided by the intense structure of the company and how they controlled every little detail of the manager's work.
3. I was starting to be harassed by the RSC and was able to let it blow over because 2 months after coming to Groton, that opening in RI was offered to me. 6 months into my time in RI, I was forcibly transferred back to Groton.
4. I had a mental breakdown from the stress, went to a hospital for three weeks!
5. Upon my return to work (back in Groton), I was once again working with the RSC from the last time.
6. The harassment from the RSC started up again. I took it to HR, not wanting another episode that would land me in the hospital and also needing things to be better at work.
7. After a year, nothing is different except me. I had to make all of the accommodations. Anything I asked for fell upon me to resolve.
8. Upon reviewing how I had done after a year and a half, I feel this way about it:
I
AM
M A D
I am so angry and pissed off. I hate my company. I hate working for them. I hate what they stand for. I hate how they act. I hate my job.
I feel like I need to talk about this and I want to be able to reflect on it someday, so my online blog is a good place to spill it.
I have had to deal with WAY too much bullshit since taking my job in this company. I was happy when my boss Susan offered me more money than I had ever made before in my industry. I always go into a job/relationship or any situation knowing exactly what I would like to get out of it. I joined SHP for the following reasons:
1. More money as a property manager
2. Be treated with respect and recognized as capable.
3. Have a good work culture (better than past workplaces).
That's just about all. I knew that SHP was taking on a property in my town, West Warwick (at the time). I had been waiting and waiting for the job to show up online but it didn't. I waited a month and then I reached out about the position that was open in Groton CT. I had decided (made up my mind) that I would take that job, WOW them, be happy and eventually be moved to the property in RI. As all well-laid plans go, the following happened:
1. I took the job in Groton making more money
2. I was completely blindsided by the intense structure of the company and how they controlled every little detail of the manager's work.
3. I was starting to be harassed by the RSC and was able to let it blow over because 2 months after coming to Groton, that opening in RI was offered to me. 6 months into my time in RI, I was forcibly transferred back to Groton.
4. I had a mental breakdown from the stress, went to a hospital for three weeks!
5. Upon my return to work (back in Groton), I was once again working with the RSC from the last time.
6. The harassment from the RSC started up again. I took it to HR, not wanting another episode that would land me in the hospital and also needing things to be better at work.
7. After a year, nothing is different except me. I had to make all of the accommodations. Anything I asked for fell upon me to resolve.
8. Upon reviewing how I had done after a year and a half, I feel this way about it:
- I hit my target in SHP, peaking early. Within the first 3 months, I had achieved all I would achieve here. I got what I wanted and then there was backwards motion for a year....I was fired as manager in West Warwick. The corporate office said, "I wasn't the right fit". My boss sent me to a 100 unit elderly site in Groton CT with an un-ventilated attic office, a bully of an RSC who's office being on the first floor these past 6 years has created the appearance that she is in charge, and maintenance staff who have a mid range skill level for achieving their jobs. I have never worked this hard in my life.
- I have not been able to forgive those individuals on the corporate level whose lack of support for me have broken me.Tiffany came down to West Warwick from the Corporate Compliance department and had many negative things to tell the higher ups and my own boss about me. Other corporate staff have treated me just as poorly...treat us all this way.
- I have not been able to impart the needed changes in a way that can be maintained progressively and no one truly cares about my contributions. My maintenance staff and I get along very well, but we are not making any great impact.
While writing this vent blog, I had called out for the afternoon. I had such an incredibly demanding morning with work and it was overwhelming me since I have to balance it with the kids schooling remotely. I had a headache and felt terrible after calling the corporate office and being spoken to as though I were a piece of garbage by David Montgomery, the IT guy. I actually cried! I had enough. I saw I have vacation days, cashed 3.5 hours in and laid down to rest.
At around 4:00pm, I received a phone call from Tammy from PAG. She seemed eager to receive confirmation that I would want to take a position with her organization...which I did want to and without hesitation I accepted the new opportunity. I immediately felt it was right. So in two weeks...I shake the dust from the old situation, and we can move forward. I wrote a heartfelt letter of resignation and hit send. It was hard...but I did it.
Namaste
Wednesday, April 22, 2020
If I died tomorrow
If I died tomorrow, what would I want people to know?
The most vital people in my life are my kids and my husband. If I were gone, they would be the ones whom I believe would truly suffer in losing me. My co-workers would be saddened. My clients (residents) would be sorry to hear the sad news too. My mother would suffer...she has already lost a child. Other family members and friends would be sad.
But what would I want them to know?
What would my final thoughts be for them?
What would I wish for them to know about how I felt about them?
I have been dwelling on these thoughts recently. Last week Tracy D passed away. She has been in my life since we were born. My mother and her mother were best friends. Me, Tracy and Mary-Ann grew up playing together while our parents were together which was a lot. They are my cousins. Always were. In 2010 or so, I had a falling out with the two of them. I was shunned. It hurt A LOT. At the time, I was struggling to respect my spiritual truths and make necessary changes in my life so that I could achieve my purpose. Looking back on it, I wish I had tried harder to win them back. I was hurt and I let them walk away. I was proud and I was depressed. Hearing that Tracy had passed away...I didn't know what to feel. I am still processing it.
Last February (February 2019), during a chance reunion with an old friend from High School, I made the gruesome discovery that my Best friend from High School had died. She was my one close friend that I ever really had as a kid (besides that cousin of mine and one boyfriend). We all have a best friend that no one can ever replace. Beth was my one. I had lost touch with her when my family suddenly moved us away from my school and my community. Suddenly I was thrust into a new school and community and many things going on that were not good. This was a time before cell phones and internet. We often had no home telephone. We lost one another and never reconnected. I had begun to look for her at some point. It was around the time that I was pregnant with Annika. Somehow I had gotten it into my head that she worked at a place near me. I made some calls and inquiries but never caught up with her. Then last year, this friend pops up and out of the blue mentions Beth D. I got excited when she mentioned her and started asking and telling her about my search over the years etc, etc. The friend said that she had some sad news to tell me.
And so here I am...about to turn 46 years old this August, thinking about what I wish I could have said or done. I don't want that kind of lack of closure when my time comes.
So here goes...
To my Husband: I'm glad we did this. It was the right choice. Look at all of the amazing things we accomplished together? Our love story is one to be envied.
To my son: You ARE the person I wanted you to be. You are kind, funny and good. You will always make me proud and I will always be watching.
To my daughter: You ARE my Dream come true. You made me a mother. You put me on my path. I will always be impressed with you.
To my friends: If I have ever considered you to be a friend, then we really had something. I admired you and I put my best foot forward for you. I always wanted to give you something...not just on holidays or your birthday. I always looked for ways to make you smile and I hope you felt that genuinely.
To my family members: If I have ever considered you family, adopted, natural or adopted- you found your way into my heart in a special way that cannot be denied. You were welcomed in, accepted and loved. Please do that for others in the future because people need to be loved.
MY STUFF can go to wherever it needs to go. The kids can have it or Jamie. It can be donated. The things were fun but we cannot take them with us.
When Jeanne A died, I went to her estate sale. It felt wrong but also right...I understood where she had to go and why she had to leave. For me, it was beautiful walking through her second floor and finding crystals, gems and stones everywhere. I looked for the odd items that would have held no meaning or value for other people. Her linens. Those tablecloths and place-mats have brought me more joy and are a greater treasure to me then so many things I own. My hope is that one day if someone has to go through my belongings they too might have the same thoughts, memories and feelings. I want to evoke those stirrings in someone. anyone.
When my father died, the experience felt forced.empty. I remember his laughter, smiles and hugs. My dad had a good heart. He made a lot of bad choices. Some of those choices have hurt me very badly. Some have hurt my family. My suffering was compounded by a feeling that my connection to the family I grew up in, was gone. My father was my connection to my family. With him gone, I was lost and floating in outer space. I have worked hard to make sure that my children will never feel like that. The choices we make....impact the ones we love. It REACHES to them. They FEEL our choices. It CAN hurt them. Our choices DO matter.
I have two sister who may as well be dead to me. They cannot maintain healthy normal relationships. One is a criminal who cannot be trusted if she gets close to my family. The other only comes to me when she needs me to help her or save her. Then she disappears again. I had to break the cycle when it involved my children getting hurt.
So... sisters: zero.
Brother: deceased KIA.
I understand how it feels to be left, used or forgotten. I focus on my family now. The one that live in my home. The one that I have created and I feel that I am the matriarch, the mother.
I am grateful to have my husband as a partner. He is my best friend. He filled the gap that I had since Beth. The space I could never fill. The friend I could never find. The trust I could never give to anyone else fully...he earned it. When I needed saving, he was there. When I needed straightening out, he was there. When I need someone to dust me off and throw me back in the game...that husband of mine, he is there.
The world is dealing with Coronavirus right now. It's been a month that Rhode Island and Connecticut have been shut down. Most of us are either out of work, working from home or out of school. Times are troubled. People have many differences of opinion about when and how things ought to progress in light of the virus which continues to rack up deaths locally and abroad. For my family, ADHD, anxiety and depression are some of the more difficult challenges we face. Those are minor (all things considered).
I am happy to say that right now...today..we are ok. Today was a good day.
The most vital people in my life are my kids and my husband. If I were gone, they would be the ones whom I believe would truly suffer in losing me. My co-workers would be saddened. My clients (residents) would be sorry to hear the sad news too. My mother would suffer...she has already lost a child. Other family members and friends would be sad.
But what would I want them to know?
What would my final thoughts be for them?
What would I wish for them to know about how I felt about them?
I have been dwelling on these thoughts recently. Last week Tracy D passed away. She has been in my life since we were born. My mother and her mother were best friends. Me, Tracy and Mary-Ann grew up playing together while our parents were together which was a lot. They are my cousins. Always were. In 2010 or so, I had a falling out with the two of them. I was shunned. It hurt A LOT. At the time, I was struggling to respect my spiritual truths and make necessary changes in my life so that I could achieve my purpose. Looking back on it, I wish I had tried harder to win them back. I was hurt and I let them walk away. I was proud and I was depressed. Hearing that Tracy had passed away...I didn't know what to feel. I am still processing it.
Last February (February 2019), during a chance reunion with an old friend from High School, I made the gruesome discovery that my Best friend from High School had died. She was my one close friend that I ever really had as a kid (besides that cousin of mine and one boyfriend). We all have a best friend that no one can ever replace. Beth was my one. I had lost touch with her when my family suddenly moved us away from my school and my community. Suddenly I was thrust into a new school and community and many things going on that were not good. This was a time before cell phones and internet. We often had no home telephone. We lost one another and never reconnected. I had begun to look for her at some point. It was around the time that I was pregnant with Annika. Somehow I had gotten it into my head that she worked at a place near me. I made some calls and inquiries but never caught up with her. Then last year, this friend pops up and out of the blue mentions Beth D. I got excited when she mentioned her and started asking and telling her about my search over the years etc, etc. The friend said that she had some sad news to tell me.
And so here I am...about to turn 46 years old this August, thinking about what I wish I could have said or done. I don't want that kind of lack of closure when my time comes.
So here goes...
To my Husband: I'm glad we did this. It was the right choice. Look at all of the amazing things we accomplished together? Our love story is one to be envied.
To my son: You ARE the person I wanted you to be. You are kind, funny and good. You will always make me proud and I will always be watching.
To my daughter: You ARE my Dream come true. You made me a mother. You put me on my path. I will always be impressed with you.
To my friends: If I have ever considered you to be a friend, then we really had something. I admired you and I put my best foot forward for you. I always wanted to give you something...not just on holidays or your birthday. I always looked for ways to make you smile and I hope you felt that genuinely.
To my family members: If I have ever considered you family, adopted, natural or adopted- you found your way into my heart in a special way that cannot be denied. You were welcomed in, accepted and loved. Please do that for others in the future because people need to be loved.
MY STUFF can go to wherever it needs to go. The kids can have it or Jamie. It can be donated. The things were fun but we cannot take them with us.
When Jeanne A died, I went to her estate sale. It felt wrong but also right...I understood where she had to go and why she had to leave. For me, it was beautiful walking through her second floor and finding crystals, gems and stones everywhere. I looked for the odd items that would have held no meaning or value for other people. Her linens. Those tablecloths and place-mats have brought me more joy and are a greater treasure to me then so many things I own. My hope is that one day if someone has to go through my belongings they too might have the same thoughts, memories and feelings. I want to evoke those stirrings in someone. anyone.
When my father died, the experience felt forced.empty. I remember his laughter, smiles and hugs. My dad had a good heart. He made a lot of bad choices. Some of those choices have hurt me very badly. Some have hurt my family. My suffering was compounded by a feeling that my connection to the family I grew up in, was gone. My father was my connection to my family. With him gone, I was lost and floating in outer space. I have worked hard to make sure that my children will never feel like that. The choices we make....impact the ones we love. It REACHES to them. They FEEL our choices. It CAN hurt them. Our choices DO matter.
I have two sister who may as well be dead to me. They cannot maintain healthy normal relationships. One is a criminal who cannot be trusted if she gets close to my family. The other only comes to me when she needs me to help her or save her. Then she disappears again. I had to break the cycle when it involved my children getting hurt.
So... sisters: zero.
Brother: deceased KIA.
I understand how it feels to be left, used or forgotten. I focus on my family now. The one that live in my home. The one that I have created and I feel that I am the matriarch, the mother.
I am grateful to have my husband as a partner. He is my best friend. He filled the gap that I had since Beth. The space I could never fill. The friend I could never find. The trust I could never give to anyone else fully...he earned it. When I needed saving, he was there. When I needed straightening out, he was there. When I need someone to dust me off and throw me back in the game...that husband of mine, he is there.
My children bring me joy. There is no more to say then that. Every day...in so many different ways...just pure joy.
The world is dealing with Coronavirus right now. It's been a month that Rhode Island and Connecticut have been shut down. Most of us are either out of work, working from home or out of school. Times are troubled. People have many differences of opinion about when and how things ought to progress in light of the virus which continues to rack up deaths locally and abroad. For my family, ADHD, anxiety and depression are some of the more difficult challenges we face. Those are minor (all things considered).
I am happy to say that right now...today..we are ok. Today was a good day.
Sunday, April 12, 2020
My Most Prized Possession
I am not a very controlling person. In fact, aside from my tendency to like everything a certain way when it is in my immediate environment (aka...OCD), I am unusual in that I genuinely accept others how they are. I have no desire to actually reform or change people. I rely on my own personal results to demonstrate my worthiness to be imitated. In other words...you do you, and I do me.
I have often marveled that others struggle a LOT with this in their own lives. As for me, I am truly ok with other people's choices for themselves. What I HAVE needed to learn, however with regards to those choices made by others, was to internalize their choice and ask myself to be honest about how I really feel about those choices. Here is an example:
I accept gay people. I accept that it is their choice for their lifestyle. HOWEVER, back in the early days of my realizing that I accepted it, I was still very turned off by it. So what was my inner dialogue about gay love? If I was being honest with myself, I was not truly comfortable watching two same sex people kiss affectionately like straight people. Now to be fair, I hate PDA in the first place...so there is something to that. BUT...I was genuinely uncomfortable with the idea. What I am describing is a feeling that I held WAY WAY WAY below the surface. Because logically, in my mind, I was AWARE that people can and will be attracted to same-gender people. People WILL be gay. No doubt in my mind that this is NORMAL. But, I still had a deep-seeded emotional reaction to seeing it. Why?
I am sure there are many underlying causes to explain my experience. I am not writing this article to analyze those reasons because I honestly never figured out why I had held that feeling for so long. My best guess is it was just STUCK there. Deep roots. Family belief systems from long ago maybe? I can only tell you this...at some point it changed. I had a gay friend. Then I had some feelings I had trouble dismissing toward other women. Then I started to watch programs and movies that showed openly gay people behaving the way my mind accepted heterosexual relationships. Soon it just FELT right. Soon I began to accept their love stories the way I accepted Cinderella and her Prince Charming! Soon, it all felt normal.
Choices. Freedom to choose. Freedom to just BE who we are. No matter how anyone else feels about it. That is true freedom. Wouldn't you agree?
The next piece after acceptance comes commitment. Being willing to commit to your own views, your own choices. Commit to a way of life. Commit to friends and family and even strangers who are different from you. By doing this, you assert boundaries. You know who you are, so nothing is going to sway you. Your new boundaries tell the following story to anyone who enters your life: It is ok with me that you feel that way. I feel this way.
For me, this came in the shape of friendships with people who have different political, spiritual and lifestyle. With this kind of applied and practiced acceptance, you assert your commitment to yourself. By learning to harness your emotional reaction to anyone who thinks differently than you, you overcome the instinct to oppose others because they are not like you. If we never tried to move past ourselves, we would all just walk around being narcisists.
My most prized possession is WISDOM, born of practiced acceptance, which has been learned through many trials, through confusion, through abuse, through terror, through loss and grief, through failure! I have EARNED that bitch...that freedom...that Wisdom. I am the Matriarch of my Family. All the women who once were wiser than me, no longer are. All of the Men who once controlled me, no longer do. Wisdom is my MOST prized reward for a life lived fully. I am so proud of the woman I am today. And I enjoy helping others learn to love themselves more and more each day.
In my lifetime, I have been told that I was a failure, a fraud, misled others, lacked understanding. I have been criticized openly and humiliated. I have had others speak against me, causing friends to turn on me. I have been abandoned by family. I have been hit, beaten, tortured emotionally and mentally by people in my most intimate circle. I have had my most precious virtues held against me, threatened. I have had many painful betrayals. Some of this pain has caused me to hurt myself or to hurt other people. I have, in the past, become as evil as those who were once evil toward me. That was before I knew that I could make a new commitment anytime I wanted...and with that, be made new. I am no longer a product of how I was treated or how others want me to live. I am my own person, completely.
I did not get here alone as you may well know. I have had many teachers. The first person who came to mind when I thought about teachers, was my former Life Coach, Glenn Ambrose. His instincts regarding Self-Love were the key to my turning around my entire life. He may have been the first person who has ever made me understand what Love for myself really meant. I did not learn it right there on the spot. I got married and had another teacher...my husband. Then countless Therapists. Then a 3 week hospitalization for depression where we spoke every day about Compassion for ourselves...compassion for our pain and the journey we had been on. THAT was when the lesson really came full circle. That was actually one year ago. One year ago today I was actually in that program. Four years ago today, I was on my honeymoon in Quebec Canada. Two Years ago today, I was on the verge of a divorce. Three years ago today I was grieving the loss of my father and the dissolution of my family of origin.
People from my past were also teachers. My children's dad, my own mother and grandmother, my brother and sisters...many friends from the past. My years in college and my years in a church. Many, many teachers.
What brought me to wisdom though?
Don't take that statement wrong...we all continue to learn. Everyday offers a fresh beginning. Every certain passage of time, the body goes through new cycles and cells change ...our minds and our desires are no different. Wisdom doesn't go anywhere unless you lose your ability to remember. However, at some point you must decide that you ARE the teacher. YOU are the expert. You KNOW what to do...in any situation. IN all situations.
That my friends, is Wisdom.
~Namaste
I have often marveled that others struggle a LOT with this in their own lives. As for me, I am truly ok with other people's choices for themselves. What I HAVE needed to learn, however with regards to those choices made by others, was to internalize their choice and ask myself to be honest about how I really feel about those choices. Here is an example:
I accept gay people. I accept that it is their choice for their lifestyle. HOWEVER, back in the early days of my realizing that I accepted it, I was still very turned off by it. So what was my inner dialogue about gay love? If I was being honest with myself, I was not truly comfortable watching two same sex people kiss affectionately like straight people. Now to be fair, I hate PDA in the first place...so there is something to that. BUT...I was genuinely uncomfortable with the idea. What I am describing is a feeling that I held WAY WAY WAY below the surface. Because logically, in my mind, I was AWARE that people can and will be attracted to same-gender people. People WILL be gay. No doubt in my mind that this is NORMAL. But, I still had a deep-seeded emotional reaction to seeing it. Why?
I am sure there are many underlying causes to explain my experience. I am not writing this article to analyze those reasons because I honestly never figured out why I had held that feeling for so long. My best guess is it was just STUCK there. Deep roots. Family belief systems from long ago maybe? I can only tell you this...at some point it changed. I had a gay friend. Then I had some feelings I had trouble dismissing toward other women. Then I started to watch programs and movies that showed openly gay people behaving the way my mind accepted heterosexual relationships. Soon it just FELT right. Soon I began to accept their love stories the way I accepted Cinderella and her Prince Charming! Soon, it all felt normal.
Choices. Freedom to choose. Freedom to just BE who we are. No matter how anyone else feels about it. That is true freedom. Wouldn't you agree?
The next piece after acceptance comes commitment. Being willing to commit to your own views, your own choices. Commit to a way of life. Commit to friends and family and even strangers who are different from you. By doing this, you assert boundaries. You know who you are, so nothing is going to sway you. Your new boundaries tell the following story to anyone who enters your life: It is ok with me that you feel that way. I feel this way.
For me, this came in the shape of friendships with people who have different political, spiritual and lifestyle. With this kind of applied and practiced acceptance, you assert your commitment to yourself. By learning to harness your emotional reaction to anyone who thinks differently than you, you overcome the instinct to oppose others because they are not like you. If we never tried to move past ourselves, we would all just walk around being narcisists.
My most prized possession is WISDOM, born of practiced acceptance, which has been learned through many trials, through confusion, through abuse, through terror, through loss and grief, through failure! I have EARNED that bitch...that freedom...that Wisdom. I am the Matriarch of my Family. All the women who once were wiser than me, no longer are. All of the Men who once controlled me, no longer do. Wisdom is my MOST prized reward for a life lived fully. I am so proud of the woman I am today. And I enjoy helping others learn to love themselves more and more each day.
In my lifetime, I have been told that I was a failure, a fraud, misled others, lacked understanding. I have been criticized openly and humiliated. I have had others speak against me, causing friends to turn on me. I have been abandoned by family. I have been hit, beaten, tortured emotionally and mentally by people in my most intimate circle. I have had my most precious virtues held against me, threatened. I have had many painful betrayals. Some of this pain has caused me to hurt myself or to hurt other people. I have, in the past, become as evil as those who were once evil toward me. That was before I knew that I could make a new commitment anytime I wanted...and with that, be made new. I am no longer a product of how I was treated or how others want me to live. I am my own person, completely.
I did not get here alone as you may well know. I have had many teachers. The first person who came to mind when I thought about teachers, was my former Life Coach, Glenn Ambrose. His instincts regarding Self-Love were the key to my turning around my entire life. He may have been the first person who has ever made me understand what Love for myself really meant. I did not learn it right there on the spot. I got married and had another teacher...my husband. Then countless Therapists. Then a 3 week hospitalization for depression where we spoke every day about Compassion for ourselves...compassion for our pain and the journey we had been on. THAT was when the lesson really came full circle. That was actually one year ago. One year ago today I was actually in that program. Four years ago today, I was on my honeymoon in Quebec Canada. Two Years ago today, I was on the verge of a divorce. Three years ago today I was grieving the loss of my father and the dissolution of my family of origin.
People from my past were also teachers. My children's dad, my own mother and grandmother, my brother and sisters...many friends from the past. My years in college and my years in a church. Many, many teachers.
What brought me to wisdom though?
I attained wisdom once I accepted that I had finally had enough teachers.
Don't take that statement wrong...we all continue to learn. Everyday offers a fresh beginning. Every certain passage of time, the body goes through new cycles and cells change ...our minds and our desires are no different. Wisdom doesn't go anywhere unless you lose your ability to remember. However, at some point you must decide that you ARE the teacher. YOU are the expert. You KNOW what to do...in any situation. IN all situations.
That my friends, is Wisdom.
~Namaste
Work-Family-Balance
My work family have started adding a new feature to our ADP home-screen where employees make short inspirational videos to help co-workers working from home. So far the messages all vary in topic. My boss thought I should do one, as she says I am inspiring. I wrote something especially for the use of sharing if I were to do a video. It is about Beating the Blues in our everyday lives...especially during an auspicious world crisis like Covid-19.
Today is my 4th wedding anniversary and it is also Good Friday. Sunday is Easter. So our organization will let us leave at 1:00pm today.
So how AM I beating the blues while working from home?
Well, to start...it's not just me. I am the matriarch of this family and people really feed off of my energy here. Its harder than anyone can imagine, being a person with chronic depression and also being a Leader, and inspiration, a mother and a wife. Some days I don't want to keep going. You know how I get through those days? Mostly with a little help from others. So you see, its a full circle. I can inspire with my well-thought out words and videos, or by using my other spiritual gifts. But what happens when the Spiritual Guru is stuck? Her loved ones help her out. I would be nothing without them. Without Annika, Jamie or Alex...I need all of them to be who I am. I am fooling myself if I think I would be better alone or stronger on my own. Our family and our homes are what give us a foundation. A couple of years ago, one of our cats died and there was just an emptiness for months until one day this unusual kitten found it's way into our home. We also lost a dog less than a year ago and it has felt different without him too. Someday soon, my daughter may live at college and only visit on breaks. That will feel weird. Likewise, working in our homes or attending school in our bedrooms, has been an adjustment.
Suddenly, my home family and my work family are in the same place. I am seeing and hearing about co-workers pets and kids, and spouses. My husband is on a Zoom call with Professors from Brown University and my daughter is taking a Flute Lesson in the other room. Watching the news, the various familiar news anchors are in their homes and wearing pajamas. Their cats are crawling across their laptops and they are showing us how their kids hang out in the kitchen making cookies with them as a family. And that is when it finally occurs to me. We are all the same. We are one. So I can safely assume that anything I might be experiencing, others might be experiencing too. And now, unlike months or years ago, I can SEE the proof of it. I don't have to guess that it MIGHT be the case...I am now IN their home seeing it. We are all one.
What does it all mean?
Does it mean anything at all?
This experience definitely lends substance to an idea that has been rolling around in my thoughts for a long while now...I began to think about it when I was dealing with a difficult time in my marriage a couple of years ago. At the end of the day...the people that live in our physical home with us...those are our family.Others who live elsewhere may feel like family or may be relatives of ours, but the people in your house are your family. They are the ones with whom you would be quarantined if say there were a deadly outbreak of Coronavirus. And having said that, how well have we taken care of our family? Because if there was ever a time that it mattered...it's now.
Who are you at home with? How do you feel about it?
I have four cats
1 d0g
two children and my husband.
I think the cats really believe that this is their house and that we just exist to feed, water and pet them. The dog seems glad to have us around.
My husband and I have had very little difficulty with this shelter in place order. If we were to go on full quarantine, I think we feel confidently that we would know how to survive, and we would be able to manage easily. We made the purchase of a house and land the TOP priority for our family this past year and now have been in our new home for about 5 months.Because of the stability of our jobs, we can afford the house and the internet and heat and electricity plus food and enough money left to manage the vehicles and animals. We anticipate needing to support a young adult beginning college in less than 6 months.
This, aside from the birth of two wonderful children who have experienced good health so far, has been the greatest accomplishment of our lives. It has brought us joy, hope and a bright future. Our home gives us something to set our future sights on...something to work for.
So being "stuck at home" has a different meaning for us because we are making our home into a place where we love to be. It's not easy with all of the current chaotic-ness of working and schooling and hobbies all under one roof, but we are getting by fine. SPRINGTIME arrived just as the offices and schools had shutdown and we were all sent home. My husband and I looked at that as a time to focus on yard work. We were easily able to engage the kids in helping since they had little else going on and the fresh air and pretty flowers offerred a welcome distraction. Our home is on the border of a flood zone, being as close as we are to Conimicut Beach. Also, we are surrounded by marsh land. The soil here on our property has been neglected and underworked for decades. So we began the elaborate process of re-invigorating the soil, building up the erosion areas and deciding on best use of space for our ideas to come to life.
First, My husband rented equipment to aerate the grass, which was full of thatch, weeds and many bald patches. One cloudy morning I looked outside and there were tiny holes everywhere. The next day, he arrived in a rented trailer which was loaded with good loam. We shoveled it out and spread it everywhere around the front of the house and sides. We only aerated the back quarter acre...too large of an area to do all at once and we are new at this after all! We dug up the side garden under my daughter's bedroom window where the sun shines throughout the morning. We also removed old wood chips and top soil from the front gardens. The best part was when we made out own kidney-shaped flower bed in the front yard. The home of our first Tree! She is a hearty baby CrabApple Tree named Mrs. Krebapple. Around her base, we planted colorful pansies in honor of Jamie's mother, Gramma Karla, who died at the tender age of 43 . I call it "Gramma Karla's Garden". We will continue to put fresh pansies there from year to year under Mrs.Krebapple.
The plan for other areas of the property include an herb and vegetable garden. I started by adding lavender, thyme, oregano to the side garden under Annika's bedroom window. Alex and I are trying to carve out a dirt path that leads from the driveway in the backyard around the side to the front yard. This path would be in front of the Veggie/herb garden. It's off to a start. We added colorful garden attractions to this particular garden. It feels a little like a fairy garden. I suppose I will call it that. I would love for the fairies to help my herbs grow more magically!
I have plans to plant a pumpkin patch somewhere on the property. Also, my husband gave me the most wonderful anniversary gift- an English Lilac Bush! She will be the crown of my front yard. We found a perfect spot for her to grow in the sun- located at the SE corner of the front yard, between the living room window and my daughter's side window. The weather looks to be perfect for planting this week coming up. The ground temperatures are warming up each day. We cannot put our lawn seed down until end of April, but Gertrude (the Lilac)can go in the ground!
Easter's appearance on Sunday brought beautiful temperatures and sunshine. It's a nice way to begin the week. Eventually, I will be daring enough to sit in front of a camera and record a message of inspiration to send to my company's corporate office. For now, I sit and savor the invitation to share my wisdom...my prized possession.
Today is my 4th wedding anniversary and it is also Good Friday. Sunday is Easter. So our organization will let us leave at 1:00pm today.
So how AM I beating the blues while working from home?
Well, to start...it's not just me. I am the matriarch of this family and people really feed off of my energy here. Its harder than anyone can imagine, being a person with chronic depression and also being a Leader, and inspiration, a mother and a wife. Some days I don't want to keep going. You know how I get through those days? Mostly with a little help from others. So you see, its a full circle. I can inspire with my well-thought out words and videos, or by using my other spiritual gifts. But what happens when the Spiritual Guru is stuck? Her loved ones help her out. I would be nothing without them. Without Annika, Jamie or Alex...I need all of them to be who I am. I am fooling myself if I think I would be better alone or stronger on my own. Our family and our homes are what give us a foundation. A couple of years ago, one of our cats died and there was just an emptiness for months until one day this unusual kitten found it's way into our home. We also lost a dog less than a year ago and it has felt different without him too. Someday soon, my daughter may live at college and only visit on breaks. That will feel weird. Likewise, working in our homes or attending school in our bedrooms, has been an adjustment.
Suddenly, my home family and my work family are in the same place. I am seeing and hearing about co-workers pets and kids, and spouses. My husband is on a Zoom call with Professors from Brown University and my daughter is taking a Flute Lesson in the other room. Watching the news, the various familiar news anchors are in their homes and wearing pajamas. Their cats are crawling across their laptops and they are showing us how their kids hang out in the kitchen making cookies with them as a family. And that is when it finally occurs to me. We are all the same. We are one. So I can safely assume that anything I might be experiencing, others might be experiencing too. And now, unlike months or years ago, I can SEE the proof of it. I don't have to guess that it MIGHT be the case...I am now IN their home seeing it. We are all one.
What does it all mean?
Does it mean anything at all?
This experience definitely lends substance to an idea that has been rolling around in my thoughts for a long while now...I began to think about it when I was dealing with a difficult time in my marriage a couple of years ago. At the end of the day...the people that live in our physical home with us...those are our family.Others who live elsewhere may feel like family or may be relatives of ours, but the people in your house are your family. They are the ones with whom you would be quarantined if say there were a deadly outbreak of Coronavirus. And having said that, how well have we taken care of our family? Because if there was ever a time that it mattered...it's now.
Who are you at home with? How do you feel about it?
I have four cats
1 d0g
two children and my husband.
I think the cats really believe that this is their house and that we just exist to feed, water and pet them. The dog seems glad to have us around.
My husband and I have had very little difficulty with this shelter in place order. If we were to go on full quarantine, I think we feel confidently that we would know how to survive, and we would be able to manage easily. We made the purchase of a house and land the TOP priority for our family this past year and now have been in our new home for about 5 months.Because of the stability of our jobs, we can afford the house and the internet and heat and electricity plus food and enough money left to manage the vehicles and animals. We anticipate needing to support a young adult beginning college in less than 6 months.
This, aside from the birth of two wonderful children who have experienced good health so far, has been the greatest accomplishment of our lives. It has brought us joy, hope and a bright future. Our home gives us something to set our future sights on...something to work for.
So being "stuck at home" has a different meaning for us because we are making our home into a place where we love to be. It's not easy with all of the current chaotic-ness of working and schooling and hobbies all under one roof, but we are getting by fine. SPRINGTIME arrived just as the offices and schools had shutdown and we were all sent home. My husband and I looked at that as a time to focus on yard work. We were easily able to engage the kids in helping since they had little else going on and the fresh air and pretty flowers offerred a welcome distraction. Our home is on the border of a flood zone, being as close as we are to Conimicut Beach. Also, we are surrounded by marsh land. The soil here on our property has been neglected and underworked for decades. So we began the elaborate process of re-invigorating the soil, building up the erosion areas and deciding on best use of space for our ideas to come to life.
First, My husband rented equipment to aerate the grass, which was full of thatch, weeds and many bald patches. One cloudy morning I looked outside and there were tiny holes everywhere. The next day, he arrived in a rented trailer which was loaded with good loam. We shoveled it out and spread it everywhere around the front of the house and sides. We only aerated the back quarter acre...too large of an area to do all at once and we are new at this after all! We dug up the side garden under my daughter's bedroom window where the sun shines throughout the morning. We also removed old wood chips and top soil from the front gardens. The best part was when we made out own kidney-shaped flower bed in the front yard. The home of our first Tree! She is a hearty baby CrabApple Tree named Mrs. Krebapple. Around her base, we planted colorful pansies in honor of Jamie's mother, Gramma Karla, who died at the tender age of 43 . I call it "Gramma Karla's Garden". We will continue to put fresh pansies there from year to year under Mrs.Krebapple.
The plan for other areas of the property include an herb and vegetable garden. I started by adding lavender, thyme, oregano to the side garden under Annika's bedroom window. Alex and I are trying to carve out a dirt path that leads from the driveway in the backyard around the side to the front yard. This path would be in front of the Veggie/herb garden. It's off to a start. We added colorful garden attractions to this particular garden. It feels a little like a fairy garden. I suppose I will call it that. I would love for the fairies to help my herbs grow more magically!
I have plans to plant a pumpkin patch somewhere on the property. Also, my husband gave me the most wonderful anniversary gift- an English Lilac Bush! She will be the crown of my front yard. We found a perfect spot for her to grow in the sun- located at the SE corner of the front yard, between the living room window and my daughter's side window. The weather looks to be perfect for planting this week coming up. The ground temperatures are warming up each day. We cannot put our lawn seed down until end of April, but Gertrude (the Lilac)can go in the ground!
Easter's appearance on Sunday brought beautiful temperatures and sunshine. It's a nice way to begin the week. Eventually, I will be daring enough to sit in front of a camera and record a message of inspiration to send to my company's corporate office. For now, I sit and savor the invitation to share my wisdom...my prized possession.
Welcome!
WOW! She's back. Finally.
The reason I have been away so long is more a lack of opportunity with no laptop- but that is changing now. Also- I finally have something to talk about again! Life is blooming for me now...finally. Late bloomer. I know. So this blog will be dedicated to finding my true path as a mom, a witch and a woman.
Thanks for reading!
The reason I have been away so long is more a lack of opportunity with no laptop- but that is changing now. Also- I finally have something to talk about again! Life is blooming for me now...finally. Late bloomer. I know. So this blog will be dedicated to finding my true path as a mom, a witch and a woman.
Thanks for reading!
Monday, April 6, 2020
Family Life in 2020
Having a family life in 2020 is a bit different from years past. This year has been WROUGHT with challenges, difficulties and more ...for all humans (not for me in particular).
For my family...up until mid March when we were affected by the Coronavirus Pandemic worldwide, life was fairly uneventful. We had moved into our new house in November of the prior year, celebrated Thanksgiving, my daughter turning 18 years old, Christmas, New Years and my Husband's Birthday. My daughter had numerous Jazz competitions and performances and my son happily gained friends and tried new activities, most notably his new PS4. My husband had been tinkering happily in his new spaces here at the house, including his garage. He has wanted a garage for a very long time. The garage is currently over-run with the leftover items of our past, which we hurriedly brought home in February from our storage unit. The items seemed old and outdated as we gathered them from the back corner of the storage square...alas we needed to haul everything to the new place before we could begin the demanding process that is deciding what fits in our life now and what should be discarded or re-homed.
Where did it all come from? Jamie's home when I met him was the epicenter of his Mother's collected belongings over the years. When we combined households, we found that we needed that storage space. That was in 2016. So most of these items had been forgotten for the past 4 years. During those four years, we lived in my apartment as newlyweds. It was a time of learning how to gel as a family. Blending families (or in our case, Jamie assimilating into an already existing family), is not simple. We had a great amount of difficulty with it. The process nearly destroyed us, my marriage, my relationship with the children- all of it. I was pushed to the point of resentment toward him and the kids. I hated being the one in the middle of all of the conflict. If I had not married Jamie, the problems with the kids would not exist. But also the good things that came from our combining our lives...those too would not exist. The opportunities to overcome seemingly insurmountable differences? Those would not happen. The maturity that comes from this level of demands upon a person is a gift that I would not trade for all of the world.
I am proud of the shit I have gone through to get here.
That may sound weird to other people but it makes perfect sense to me.
So this pandemic happened...it hit the United States and began to impact our schools and jobs right around March 13th 2020. Like I said, up until then, uneventful. We were staring down the barrel of Senior Year for Annika- and her college in the future. We were looking forward to the concerts, dances and proms. There were going to be special events for the graduating class...oh, and Graduation day! All of these things have disappeared. They have all been postponed indefinitely. We were suddenly one day just in the position of grappling to understand what to do with the broken dreams and lost hopes. The alternative to Sheltering in place and avoiding group settings like school, work or concerts...was to risk the well being and safety of our overworked medical professionals and hospital staff...risk people's lives. It's clear that we all just needed to adapt.
A week after the children were sent home from school on an indefinite future of remote-schooling, I too was sent home with my computer and work. I had to set up a new remote office in my dining room.
My son had his school chrome-book and a desk in his bedroom. My daughter had her chrome-book and a desk in her bedroom. At my insistence, my husband had assembled his desk in our living room this past winter...a decision that has proven itself to be ideal under these current circumstances. His work has suspended courses and non-essential employees (Brown University). He is home WITH pay but not working. This allows him time to work on the garage and lawn/yard projects as well as his part time job at Lowe's which has not closed.
So our lives have swung in a very new direction. The children and I used to be up and out the door at 6:15am to commute to school and work, returning often late after therapy appointments, practices and music lessons, and errands for family members. My husband's long work days and second job often meant that we passes one another on the way to or from home...sometimes right at the driveway. We were rarely in the same place at the same time for long. These days, my husband is up first. He makes my coffee and I stumble to my desk in pajamas at 7:30 to log into my company server and check emails, voicemails and the like. By the time I have drank a full cup of coffee, I have managed to log into all of my sites and receive most updates. By this time, I can usually hear the soft mumble of my daughter meeting up with classmates on Google Hangouts. The local news is on in the living room as my husband listens in while munching his morning cereal. Within an hour he will be softly snoring as our days get off to a full start. My son awakens last but gets right to his studies with a bit of something to drink and off to his room with his headphones on.
By midday the house is pretty loud with the sound of meets online for school, voicemails and group meetings from my corner and the general hum of lots of activity. When 4pm hits, my workday ends and the kids are done with school. It is still sunny for a while longer so we all go outside to do some yard work. There is a lot to do.
Many of our neighbors are out walking up and down the large Boulevard in front of our House. People stroll casually through the Historic cemetery that sits beside our property. It's easy to carry on cordial chit chat from a safe distance with these nice passers by. An odd feeling of belonging to this new community settles in. The fresh air and yardwork feel so good after the cooped up workday indoors. As darkness settles, we head in for dinner...something we enjoy all together. Usually I cook. Someone will help ocassionally but it also makes me happy to hear people playing and gabbing with friends or laughing at a tv show while I prepare a meal. Keeping our former schedule helps things feel normal.
Getting supplies falls to my husband as we have decided it is best to have one runner...less chance of bringing Covid-19 into our little circle.
I feel it has made us all more tuned in and kinder to one another. Our family is so much stronger than my kids give it credit for...I wish they could see it from my vantage point. We are so very good...so very good right now.
Namaste
Saturday, April 4, 2020
MY LIFE IN PICTURES
My Blog and Insta are now sort of connected...pictures say so much.I have not had a regular blog up and running in YEARS and I have missed it so much! I don't care about whether my blog makes money or is published or if anyone really wants to know!
April 10, 2016 I got married
At that time, I was 42 1/2...I had waited long enough and for me the time was right. I saw that with this person, my best friend, I could rise out of the poverty and difficulty that had been my life. I was right because we are good together. There are those who don't agree and others who love us as a couple. So this blog is dedicated to the family that was born that day.
Jamie and I have had a lot of fun and I never had a person to have fun with . We went to Quebec for our honeymoon, countless family trips to everywhere and memorable concerts like this one here- RHCP (my favorite).
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