Cinco De Mayo

Cinco De Mayo
May 5, 2020

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY YOUNGEST-MY SON LEX!

Yesterday this guy had a pretty cool Quarantine Birthday.  There were balloons, gifts and ice cream cake!  

FIRST WE DECORATED THE HOUSE

THEN WE SURPRISED HIM WITH BALLOONS AND GIFTS

IT WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE THAT WE DECIDED TO TAKE PICS

A LITTLE B&W TO CREATE THE MOOD

WE ARE VERY PROUD OF THE SOON TO BE GRADUATE!!

A NEW LOOK FOR THE HOUSE

ALEX CONTEMPLATING HIS NEW GARDEN

LOOKING UP THROUGH THE UNKNOWN TREE IN THE BACKYARD

OUR TRACTOR AND TRAILER

It was a warm and pretty day yesterday.  There were opportunities to capture the changes of spring so we did.

Namaste

Who is AngelMarie?

Don't know me?

It's ok.  I only just met me too.  Whoever I was before is just a piece of me.  Plenty of time to know me...here is a photo journal of my "best side"...

I LOVE B*W PICS 

THIS CAT JASPER...IS ALWAYS ON MY HEAD

ME AND COLBY

GLASSES ON MEANS TIME FOR WORK

SASSY AFTER I COLORED THOSE GRAY HAIRS

WHEN I GET SAD< DEPRESSED OR SICK>THERE IS ALWAYS LUMPER HUGS

THIS CAT

THINGS I LOVE

Trees, plants and all things that nature has to offer.

CATS...and their many personalities.  I have had three cats and adopted two through my husband.  

HER

HIM

US-TOGETHER

MARRIAGE

MY FAVORITE RADIO STATION

LIVING IN WARWICK RI

MINIATURES OF REAL LIFE...AND MANIFESTATION

RANDOM AND WHIMSICAL MOMENTS OF SILLINESS

 I LOVE SILLY RANDOM SIMPLE THINGS

JUDY- MY DRAGONFLY ORANGE BIKE

HOME

FAMILY

CREATION

THINKING
what's next....

Dreaming it up

namaste

Glamorous and Simple May 2020

I have not been myself lately- it's been too much grumbling and complaining and not enough happy documenting.  It's hard to keep the blog light and happy when inside of me there is (at times) a restless angry woman, at other times a peaceful happy traveler.  I am complex

2020 has been a difficult road for people around the world.  It's weird how we are all in this together.
As for my family, we are attempting to complete 6th grade, 12th grade at home.  Attempting to graduate High School remotely.  Attempting to enroll in a college and be able to pay for it.  Attempting to carry on working while unable to be at work physically.

 They are weird times...difficult and confusing times...Some of it has been great.  I love being with my kids and having more quality time then any person could dream of ever having.  My husband has been able to tackle home projects that we never would have found time for. In the past month we have acquired a ride-on lawn mower, a trailer for said mower (which we affectionately call the tractor), a gas grill to cook on and so much more.

The children and I spend much of our days indoors, under the requirements of completing schools and work.  I don't spend enough time outside honestly...I hope to change that one day in the future.  Part of the reason we came to buy this house was to have some type of outdoor living.

For the last 5 years, my home was a third floor walk-up with a tiny patio.  Here was the best use I was able to make of my outdoor terrace:

I loved that window display of strung lights, dream catcher and a curtain.  My cats had other ideas about it but it was great while it lasted.  We grew a small amount of herbs such as basil, oregano and mint.  We also grew some pots of tomato plants.  I liked my apartment.  In fact...the photo above that shows a pond with autumn trees- that was right outside of my apartment.  We enjoyed watching the wildlife at that pond.  We have some unique idea about how to decorate here at the new place.  It will take years to create it all...and money of course.  We have only been here 5 months.

PLANS

Ah we have some plans.  Let's talk about those shall we??

Annika plans to leave us and go to college.  She isn't leaving permanently...just planning to live on campus and come back when on break.  It may be several years before Annika permanently moves out. Right now we are trying to determine how possible it would be to help her to go to UHART in West Hartford CT.  They have a very good program for what she wants to study.  URI has a good program for it too...but URI put her on a waitlist!  RIC has accepted her but aside from general education credits, has little to offer her from a program standpoint.  Her school, West Warwick High School has been little to no help with college planning.  Annika has been deeply upset about the disruptions to her last semester of high school and her Senior Year.  NO prom or graduation.  NO more musical performances. One of her favorite teachers delivered a special surprise that completely brightened our day yesterday.

Mr. Tramontana (Tram), delivered a sign for us.  Annika was the last one to receive her sign...Tram took great efforts to track down our new address since we just bought a house in November and the school was not informed (oops, my bad).  Anyway...the pictures tell the story.

ANNIKA ANSWERED THE DOOR RATHER SLEEPILY...to A SURPRISE VISITOR!

TRAM!  HE FOUND HER AND WAS DETERMINED TO SPREAD A MESSAGE OF LOVE!

KEEPING SOCIAL DISTANCE, TRAM PLANTED THIS PROUD SENIOR'S WEST WARWICK PRIDE!

SOCIALLY DISTANT WORDS OF SUPPORT AND ENCOURAGEMENT FROM TEACHER TO STUDENT.

In the words of my own Senior Prom theme song:

These are the times to remember

for they will not last forever

These are the times to hold onto

cause we won't although we'll want to

Profound choice of song from 1992.  At the time I thought it was kind of lame but now...well I cannot help but see how true it is.  It's weird...2020 marks 28 years since I graduated High School.  28 represents the age I was when I gave birth to Annika.  An observation I am making right now that I never made before...

We shall see what the next few months bring for her.  For all of us.

namaste

Trauma

I need to free myself from the trauma I am (have been) carrying for the past year or more.

I continuously have allowed boyfriends, friends and even kids and coworkers as well as churches and employers to abuse me.

I 
am
done.

I have been done

It has been a while now that I have been done, but today...now...I am done.

What is happening in the outside world right now is the Covid-19 virus threatens people's lives, causing us all to be in communities that are locked down.  

I have LOVED being locked down with my family.  I have not loved every last second of the bad moments but those were surprisingly few and far between.  But it has given me enough room to pause and reflect on the areas of my life where I have been taking a beating either silently or just submissively.  I started to notice my reactions to this past trauma when we began to have remote video calls from home to my staff at the site.  The distance between me and them...the physical distance (approximately 50 miles)...caused me to rethink alot of things.

Why am I working there?  What does it do for me?  What are the pro's vs what are the cons?  I spend a lot of time looking for a different opportunity...entertaining the idea of moving on, moving away from there.  Why?

The reason is, I work in a dismal attic.  I am an unappreciated, powerless property "manager" who more closely resembles an overpayed administrative assistant.  The pay doesn't make up for the way it eats away at me on the inside.  I had begun to commisurate with my fellow workers who are stuck in this place and unhappy...and so found friendship and common ground.  BUT...when that was taken from me because of Covid-19, I was able to work in my home.  A place with windows, pets, sunshine, fresh air and my loved ones.  I began to feel like I had value again.

Then came the issues from work.  They came to my home.  I allowed them to come in.  The annoyances from that awful community out there in Groton CT.  The Bruce Rawn voicemails.  The other residents all complaining about the smoking and the noise and the other problems they face.  I am a state away...an hour's drive from where they are.  I cannot truly help them.  All that I can hope to do is document it.

But residents are the same everywhere you go.  They are not what really hurt me.  Even at the West Warwick property I didn't mind the residents.  I saw them in their natural environment so I can accept the "us" and "them" of it.  Not that I look down at them, I just accept that we fulfill different roles in the community.  I Manage and govern.  They live in, and are expected to show respect for, that property.  There was and will continue to be an issue at that property...but I still felt my work was rewarding.

But this company I work for...they were the problem all along.

When I joined the organization in Groton CT, I was hopeful for a fresh start in a new place.  But I would cry everyday driving to Groton and back.  My depression increased, and so I needed to continue adjusting my meds.  Being in that new place was hard for me due to the changes.  There were many.  I had always worked under RI Housing in a RI community.  Suddenly I was in unfamiliar territory with CHFA.  It has now been a year and a half and I have never once spoken to or met a CHFA admin.  I have not been allowed to meet them or be a part of my MOR's.  Like I said...glorified Administrative Assistant, not a Property Manager.  My depression was slowly creeping up...day by day.  The office in that location was a mess.  I soon came to understand why.  The company I worked for had very high expectations for these office staffers.  Expectations that would keep an average worker running around like crazy to keep up.  And when those expectations and "standards" as they like to reference them were not the cause of the running...the residents of the building with their usual antics and the other staff...would be slowly compounding the added burdens.

So let's talk about the other staff.  Maintenance had there own thing going on.  I liked them all...found them all pleasant to work with.  The RSC's however....another monster altogether.  I like to see the best in people.  My maintenance guys knew how to rise to that challenge.  But this one RSC...she worked in 3 different properties down there in CT.  She pretty much RSC'd my entire regional area....so I could not escape her.  She herself is elderly.  It was often difficult to tell the difference between her and the residents I was there to serve.  The fact that she reminded me strongly of my abusive grandmother was difficult for me.  

We will come back to her.  Let's talk about my goals for a moment.  My intentions with this company had been as follows:
1.  Get hired by the company in CT location
2.  After proving myself, get transferred to RI
3.  Happily manage one of their RI properties
4.  The End

So I started down there in Groton CT.  The RSC was already starting to cause chaos within the first month.  Two months into my time there, as I worked to organize, personalize and transform the office space into what I deemed a usable space, my boss came to me to "ask too much of me".  My opportunity had arisen.  I wish I could look back at me then, and tell "me then", it was in fact too soon to make that leap.  There was too much that I had yet to know about this company and the people who ran it.  But the me that I was then, I saw my ship's had come in.  I accepted the transfer and off I went to RI, to West Warwick.

The West Warwick Property had been a new acquisition for my company and as such, was nothing whatsoever like the Groton CT property...one of the things I liked about it.  It completely lacked any structure because it was being remodeled and the property was experiencing a full conversion from Section 8 Family only to Section 8 LIHTC for families.  Everyone (or so I thought) knew that I lacked the actual hands-on experience to undergo a conversion property.  I was not asked to do it because I possessed the previous experience.  I was asked to do it because I was hard working, determined to succeed, showed and demonstrated leadership skills, I was capable of taking on a project with organization, create staff/team involvement, and also for my knowledge of the paperwork we use for both programs.  I was assured that I would have help from an outside agency (not our corporate) who would review our files and advise us of what we needed.  None of what I was "assured" was actually the case...which is sometimes the case.  
What I did experience, gave me great experience.  I can take that with me.
I managed the property for a two months and then my assistant left to have a baby.  The very same day that she returned to the office after maternity leave, my boss told me that I was not what the owners needed/wanted for this project and that I could move back to another property in Groton CT. This was my only option.  Groton CT or unemployment.  Oh...and I had to decide then.  I told my boss I would need to discuss it with my husband.  She and I had a talk that night which was the only true connection I have had in years.  She forced me to talk about the trauma.

The trauma we talked about led to the discovery that my Depression is the darkside of me.  It's there and it is real.  It goes with me everywhere I go.  It is my shadow.  When there is anger, aggression, danger, pain or suffering, the shadow grows larger.  I work better in the light.

I took the transfer...but first, I took three weeks to go into a Partial Hospitalization program at RI Hospital to help cope with grief, anxiety and anger that fed the trauma that ruled me, ruled my life, held me back.  I got a lot from this program.  It helped me immensely.  I knew when the moment was right that I should leave the program and head back to work.  It was ONE YEAR AGO...April 28, 2019.  I started my job at Groton CT that day.  I hated the choice I was making but I had my reasons then...reasons that I have no regret of. You see, the thing I learned from my partial program, was that I needed to treat myself with compassion in my choices, my lifestyle, my expectations of myself.  In every way.  During my hospitalization, through my eyes in that time, I saw what I needed to do as leaving my job and pursuing work elsewhere because of how I was treated by this company, and because of the stress of it.

I found a job I liked.  I interviewed and was hired immediately.  I wanted this job.  I am disappointed in myself for not taking this job.  I do not know what would be different right now if I had taken the job. When I think about it, I feel a sadness...not regret.  Never regret.  Just a "what if" kind of feeling.  I let it go because it is not helpful to feel that for no reason.  I do not need to dwell on it and so I choose not to.  I moved forward instead, ignoring my inner telling and did what was best for the family.  I took the job, so as not to show any interruption in my employment or income.  I did this because my family needed me to do it.  I had physical mental and emotional pain and distress from going against my gut, but I did it.

The universe recognized my sacrifice as a good one and I experienced a gift, one I had worked for...it was not free, but it is a gift.  For 5 months (May through September), my husband and I worked on our credit history to get a high enough credit score to buy a house.  We found a realtor, a lender and finally a house.  We bought the house at the end of November and moved in.  It was a celebration like no other, only matched by our wedding.  Two milestones involving my husband.  Together, we can make magical things happen.

Meanwhile, at work, things were happening in a reverse kind of polarity.  In August, I reported my RSC to Human Resources for her awful treatment of me and of the residents at my property.  After a month of documenting, meetings with her and others, the corporate office essentially decided that she and I needed to work it out amongst ourselves and that apparently we both had the "ok" to behave as we were behaving.  I saw the RSC as a threat to my natural and actual authority with the residents at my property.  Her conduct was an assault on the fiber of my knowing as a Property Manager.  She undermines what the corporate office protocols dictate and has gotten away with doing it for years and years.  Why?

Let's look back at how the corporate office treated me at the West Warwick property- Tiffany from Compliance...she was the one who rocked the boat for me.  She was the person that I "answered to" and she saw herself as the better, smarter and all knowing of the two of us.  She as a person, lacks compassion, tact and understanding.  She is not a likeable individual and yet this company keeps promoting her higher and higher and giving her more and more authority over us.  She came to my site and immediately informed the corporate office of how awful I was.  I don't even know what she told them.  I only recall one interaction with her where she was so aggressive with me, treating me like I was not just a subordinate to her but also that I owed her respect even when she berated me.

Interesting...I am glad I recalled that feeling.  Fast forward to a year later...yesterday.

I called the corporate office to speak with David in IT about an issue I have with making phone calls from home (Covid 19) to residents at my site in another state. He treated me the EXACT...SAME....WAY.
Did he say hello?
Nope.
He said, "yup, what can I do for you?"
I told him what I needed and he responded with:
"You mean to tell me that 5 months later, you are calling about this?"
No attempt to understand why I was not using the 8x8 system.
No effort at internal customer service toward another employee and coworker.
Just the approach that they are right.  We are wrong.  They know all and I disobeyed.
I quickly ended the phone call.  An hour or so later, I requested the remainder of the day off.  The morning I had had up and until that phone call had been so BAD (see yesterday's blog), that I needed to walk away.  I could not be exploding in anger and frustration around my family!  I am working FROM MY HOME.  How dare these people...I have two children with mental health issues watching and listening to me! 
Breathe.
I am breathing right now as I write.
Breathe.
Done.
I am done,
I
AM
DONE

DONE

DONE

I am done being abused by a husband, boyfriend or any man.

I am done being abused by my children.

I am done being abused by residents and customers

I am done being abused by employers and coworkers

I am done abusing myself

I
AM
DONE

DONE
DONE
DONE

Today was so bad I had to walk away

Today was so bad...so bad.  I had to call it quits today.  Today is a Monday.  I had a telephone interview on my schedule for today with a new prospective company.  Our state is still in lock-down due to Covid-19 and the Coronavirus threat, so we are all still working and schooling from home.  I went out to my car and took the interview there.  Rewinding slightly, I had a WEIRD dream...weird.  I woke up much earlier then normal, made coffee and was logged into work an hour ahead of my report time.  I believe the fact that I have stated that I was searching for a new job says how I feel about my current job...but I'm about to vent it all out so here goes.

I
AM
M A D

I am so angry and pissed off.  I hate my company.  I hate working for them.  I hate what they stand for.  I hate how they act.  I hate my job.

I feel like I need to talk about this and I want to be able to reflect on it someday, so my online blog is a good place to spill it.

I have had to deal with WAY too much bullshit since taking my job in this company.  I was happy when my boss Susan offered me more money than I had ever made before in my industry.  I always go into a job/relationship or any situation knowing exactly what I would like to get out of it.  I joined SHP for the following reasons:
1.  More money as a property manager
2.  Be treated with respect and recognized as capable.
3.  Have a good work culture (better than past workplaces).

That's just about all.  I knew that SHP was taking on a property in my town, West Warwick (at the time).  I had been waiting and waiting for the job to show up online but it didn't.  I waited a month and then I reached out about the position that was open in Groton CT.  I had decided (made up my mind) that I would take that job, WOW them, be happy and eventually be moved to the property in RI.  As all well-laid plans go, the following happened:
1.  I took the job in Groton making more money
2.  I was completely blindsided by the intense structure of the company and how they controlled every little detail of the manager's work.
3.  I was starting to be harassed by the RSC and was able to let it blow over because 2 months after coming to Groton, that opening in RI was offered to me.  6 months into my time in RI, I was forcibly transferred back to Groton.
4.  I had a mental breakdown from the stress, went to a hospital for three weeks!
5.  Upon my return to work (back in Groton), I was once again working with the RSC from the last time.
6.  The harassment from the RSC started up again.  I took it to HR, not wanting another episode that would land me in the hospital and also needing things to be better at work.
7.  After a year, nothing is different except me.  I had to make all of the accommodations.  Anything I asked for fell upon me to resolve. 
8.  Upon reviewing how I had done after a year and a half, I feel this way about it:

• I hit my target in SHP, peaking early.  Within the first 3 months, I had achieved all I would achieve here.  I got what I wanted and then there was backwards motion for a year....I was fired as manager in West Warwick.  The corporate office said, "I wasn't the right fit".  My boss sent me to a 100 unit elderly site in Groton CT with an un-ventilated attic office, a bully of an RSC who's office being on the first floor these past 6 years has created the appearance that she is in charge, and maintenance staff who have a mid range skill level for achieving their jobs.  I have never worked this hard in my life.
• I have not been able to forgive those individuals on the corporate level whose lack of support for me have broken me.Tiffany came down to West Warwick from the Corporate Compliance department and had many negative things to tell the higher ups and my own boss about me.  Other corporate staff have treated me just as poorly...treat us all this way.
• I have not been able to impart the needed changes in a way that can be maintained progressively and no one truly cares about my contributions.  My maintenance staff and I get along very well, but we are not making any great impact.

While writing this vent blog, I had called out for the afternoon.  I had such an incredibly demanding morning with work and it was overwhelming me since I have to balance it with the kids schooling remotely.  I had a headache and felt terrible after calling the corporate office and being spoken to as though I were a piece of garbage by David Montgomery, the IT guy.  I actually cried!  I had enough.  I saw I have vacation days, cashed 3.5 hours in and laid down to rest.

At around 4:00pm, I received a phone call from Tammy from PAG.  She seemed eager to receive confirmation that I would want to take a position with her organization...which I did want to and without hesitation I accepted the new opportunity.  I immediately felt it was right. So in two weeks...I shake the dust from the old situation, and we can move forward.  I wrote a heartfelt letter of resignation and hit send.  It was hard...but I did it.

Namaste

If I died tomorrow

If I died tomorrow, what would I want people to know?

The most vital people in my life are my kids and my husband.  If I were gone, they would be the ones whom I believe would truly suffer in losing me.  My co-workers would be saddened.  My clients (residents) would be sorry to hear the sad news too.  My mother would suffer...she has already lost a child.  Other family members and friends would be sad.

But what would I want them to know?  
What would my final thoughts be for them?  
What would I wish for them to know about how I felt about them?

I have been dwelling on these thoughts recently.  Last week Tracy D passed away.  She has been in my life since we were born.  My mother and her mother were best friends.  Me, Tracy and Mary-Ann grew up playing together while our parents were together which was a lot.  They are my cousins.  Always were.  In  2010 or so, I had a falling out with the two of them.  I was shunned.  It hurt A LOT.  At the time, I was struggling to respect my spiritual truths and make necessary changes in my life so that I could achieve my purpose.  Looking back on it, I wish I had tried harder to win them back.  I was hurt and I let them walk away.  I was proud and I was depressed.  Hearing that Tracy had passed away...I didn't know what to feel.  I am still processing it.

Last February (February 2019), during a chance reunion with an old friend from High School, I made the gruesome discovery that my Best friend from High School had died.  She was my one close friend that I ever really had as a kid (besides that cousin of mine and one boyfriend).  We all have a best friend that no one can ever replace.  Beth was my one.  I had lost touch with her when my family suddenly moved us away from my school and my community.  Suddenly I was thrust into a new school and community and many things going on that were not good.  This was a time before cell phones and internet.  We often had no home telephone.  We lost one another and never reconnected.  I had begun to look for her at some point. It was around the time that I was pregnant with Annika. Somehow I had gotten it into my head that she worked at a place near me.  I made some calls and inquiries but never caught up with her.  Then last year, this friend pops up and out of the blue mentions Beth D.  I got excited when she mentioned her and started asking and telling her about my search over the years etc, etc.  The friend said that she had some sad news to tell me.

And so here I am...about to turn 46 years old this August, thinking about what I wish I could have said or done.  I don't want that kind of lack of closure when my time comes.  

So here goes...

To my Husband:  I'm glad we did this.  It was the right choice.  Look at all of the amazing things we accomplished together?  Our love story is one to be envied.

To my son:  You ARE the person I wanted you to be.  You are kind, funny and good.  You will always make me proud and I will always be watching.

To my daughter:  You ARE my Dream come true.  You made me a mother. You put me on my path.  I will always be impressed with you.

To my friends:  If I have ever considered you to be a friend, then we really had something.  I admired you and I put my best foot forward for you.  I always wanted to give you something...not just on holidays or your birthday.  I always looked for ways to make you smile and I hope you felt that genuinely.

To my family members:  If I have ever considered you family, adopted, natural or adopted- you found your way into my heart in a special way that cannot be denied.  You were welcomed in, accepted and loved.  Please do that for others in the future because people need to be loved.

MY STUFF can go to wherever it needs to go.  The kids can have it or Jamie.  It can be donated.  The things were fun but we cannot take them with us.

When Jeanne A died, I went to her estate sale.  It felt wrong but also right...I understood where she had to go and why she had to leave.  For me, it was beautiful walking through her second floor and finding crystals, gems and stones everywhere.  I looked for the odd items that would have held no meaning or value for other people.  Her linens. Those tablecloths and place-mats have brought me more joy and are a greater treasure to me then so many things I own.  My hope is that one day if someone has to go through my belongings they too might have the same thoughts, memories and feelings.  I want to evoke those stirrings in someone.  anyone.

When my father died, the experience felt forced.empty.  I remember his laughter, smiles and hugs.  My dad had a good heart.  He made a lot of bad choices.  Some of those choices have hurt me very badly.  Some have hurt my family.  My suffering was compounded by a feeling that my connection to the family I grew up in, was gone.  My father was my connection to my family.  With him gone, I was lost and floating in outer space.  I have worked hard to make sure that my children will never feel like that.  The choices we make....impact the ones we love.  It REACHES to them.  They FEEL our choices.  It CAN hurt them.  Our choices DO matter.

I have two sister who may as well be dead to me.  They cannot maintain healthy normal relationships.  One is a criminal who cannot be trusted if she gets close to my family.  The other only comes to me when she needs me to help her or save her.  Then she disappears again.  I had to break the cycle when it involved my children getting hurt.  

So... sisters:  zero.  
Brother:  deceased KIA.  

I understand how it feels to be left, used or forgotten.  I focus on my family now.  The one that live in my home.  The one that I have created and I feel that I am the matriarch, the mother.  

I am grateful to have my husband as a partner.  He is my best friend.  He filled the gap that I had since Beth.  The space I could never fill.  The friend I could never find.  The trust I could never give to anyone else fully...he earned it.  When I needed saving, he was there.  When I needed straightening out, he was there.  When I need someone to dust me off and throw me back in the game...that husband of mine, he is there.

My children bring me joy.  There is no more to say then that.  Every day...in so many different ways...just pure joy.  

The world is dealing with Coronavirus right now.  It's been a month that Rhode Island and Connecticut have been shut down.  Most of us are either out of work, working from home or out of school.  Times are troubled.  People have many differences of opinion about when and how things ought to progress in light of the virus which continues to rack up deaths locally and abroad.  For my family, ADHD, anxiety and depression are some of the more difficult challenges we face.  Those are minor (all things considered).

I am happy to say that right now...today..we are ok.  Today was a good day.