Bringing the Homestead to the outside world

 I have been asking myself a lot lately, this one question:

How will I bring my inner life to my outer world?

I mean to ask, should I be bringing my inner life out to the world as an expression of art?  As a Business?  What is my Legacy?  What is my purpose?  What is my destiny?

In 2009, or thereabouts, I began searching for an answer to this very question.  Prior to that, I did not know this question.  My son was about a year old.  I was 34 years old.  I am about to turn 46 this year.  

In 2009, I was still living with/partnered with, my children's father David.  David was not a very committed family-man.  He never married me, drank often, gambled and let us fall into a very low place with money.  He treated me like an object and not a partner and further, he limited what I was "able" to do.  So I began to read, research, study and grow.  This journey was PAINFUL, dramatic and turned my world inside out.  I faced some dark times, and mostly I faced them alone.  My daughter was about 10 years old and my son nearly 3, when I decided we needed to leave that life behind.

In 2012, after planning and waiting for the best possible moment to change my life, I jumped.  It got ugly again, but only for a few years.  I say that like, "no sweat"...but those years was full of moments that TESTED me to my BREAKING POINT and beyond.  I felt during these years that there were many moments where I felt my whole being breakdown into pieces and get built back up again...slowly of course.

In 2016 I married a man who turned his life upside down to set me free.  He is my best friend.  He and we are not perfect.  But we are married, we are a team and we are building a life, late in our lives.

So I bring forward my question again...

What is my legacy?  

Am I survivor?  Am I something else?  

Expressing myself as Art alone does not feel like enough...but getting older, I don't have the same ambition I once had to be as assertive, aggressive and driven as I would need to be in order to make a business of my own.  That would involve 60-80 hrs a week of hard work etc.  

I want to help people heal...but as I encounter them...not by going out to look for them.  Does that make sense?  I want to give what I can and what I have when I have it and as I have it...not by going out to look for it.

I feel like the over-arching words that describe me is, "I can relate".  But when I take it further...I also healed.  

So many people that I meet are going through something but they are not healing through it, healing from it...they have experienced a thing and then they got stuck.

I did not get stuck...even though I am very set in my ways and fixed (fixed Sun Sign Leo).  I kept heeding my inner urging to keep moving forward, keep doing new things.  Why am I so driven?  Why are others not?  

Then there is this depression...that I battle.

I will come back to this...for now I must go.  There are people who need me.  So many half-completed thoughts I have, writings that deserved further review...but I am needed by Aunt Jean.

~namaste